Wednesday, November 11, 2009
"Its just that...very few people surprise me." "Yeah? Well you're lucky - most of 'em shock the hell outta me." - Pretty Woman
Someone lets him in the gate at 5:30 then he's at the door until I answer the door. Ok - its 5:30 in the morning - this guy has had me up and down my stairs for an hour and a half, he says "Hey", barges past me, upstairs and into her bed...!!!!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
last night and absolutely loved it. I always find a guys perspective very refreshing. I am starting to look forward to getting back in the dating game too. So I thought I'd put the rules down on paper and see what your response is to them... Which rules to you live by and what do you want the opposite (or same) sex to keep in mind when dating you?
From a guy’s view
1) Never criticise a guy
2) Laugh at whatever a guy says (even if its not funny)
3) Men are very visual.
- Don’t be inaccessible. “Nothings wrong with comfort and efficiency except no one wants to fuck it.”
- “…now that is a bra – you put your boobs in this and they say ‘put me in your mouth I taste good’”
- “Length is very important – we need short enough to see some thigh but not so short to see v^g”
- Hair – "It needs to be longer...men like something to grab onto other than your arse. A ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery or emptying a litter box and neither of those things inspires an erection."
4) Don’t talk about your problems ‘cause men don’t care.
From a girl’s view
1) Focus on you first and forget about the guy (men want what they can’t have)
2) Have fun on dates, but ask the tough questions with a smile if you start getting serious
3) Get a style makeover to find out your best colors and looks
4) Trust your instincts when you first meet a guy (they're seldom wrong)
5) Walk away with a smile if a guy can’t step up to the plate!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I've been learning for exams flat out and so have been saying no to invitations left, right and centre so I can learn when all I really feel like getting out would be just the right medicine. So one of the invitations I turned down was going to rugby this weekend with a friend of mine, Nadine. So after returning home this morning from a lovely (despite learning) weekend, I heard from Nadine - who's only heard in part what went on regarding the breakup between us - that Ivor's been kissing a friend of hers for three weeks. Ok - do the maths...we've only been broken up 3 weeks today so shinanigans must have been going on before that...(surely...?) So all that ranting and raving he went on about me cheating on him and dating other people while he was with them was really aimed at himself and not me...let alone the 'subconscious anger I feel towards men and punishing my boyfriends to get back at my dad.' What a crock of s%!t. I'm going mad because I've never had this done to me before - so please excuse me but I'm furious and broken and just so bloody exhausted.
So, anyway, the reason Nadine was chatting to this friend is because she was saying that the guy (Ian, my ex) she's kissing is such an arsehole because he checked her phone and saw a message from a guy and accused her of cheating on him. Later on, Nadine saw Ian with her and confirmed all the details with her later.
Lovely guy, hey? what a special boy! So, due to the fact that this is the first time I have officially been dumped and cheated on and only found out afterwards and was left feeling like a complete idiot, I will welcome all forms of anti-male rantings and ravings (only kidding) and advice. ;-)
In the meantime - I will work on healing my heart and surrounding myself with my favourite things - including this is a lovely song I have quoted from 'Music and Lyrics' - A way back into love, which I feel is quiet fitting here.
A Way Back into Love
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Today is my father's fiftieth Birthday and thankfully, time has healed many things. Yes, I was exposed to things a child, or anyone should never see their father doing but apart from the strain it appears to have put on some of my romantic relationships, which my father is unaware of, he is still a remarkable man with an outgoing personality and an enthusiasm for life, regardless of what is thrown his way and he has certainly had his fair share of lemons.
One of the hardest things I have had to face is my similarities to him. My mother, one of the kindest and most loving souls I know (unconsciously, I believe) began to suggest that my father's irresponsible and reckless behaviour led to the affair and eventually the breakdown of their marriage and our family. Unfortunately, as with most unconscious things, she was unaware that she was doing this and it began to filter into my (and I believe my brother's) minds that with this type of behaviour, came the personality, the morals and the infidelity - all bundled into one. We almost began to despise this personality type. So one can imagine how hard it was when we (my brother and I) began to see parts of our father's personality emerging through us. We have not discussed this at length, however I radically rejected this side of myself when I began to see it emerge. I remember one night with Tristen (long term boyfriend), I was having a party and he was quiet sober for a change - I was dancing the night away and messing around with my friends and I noticed him sitting on a bar stool so I went over to talk to him. He chuckled at me and said, "You've got more of your father in you than you think." I was so hurt by this comment at the time and it really upset me that he should say such a thing. He meant it to be spiteful because he didn't approve of my father at all. Anyway, I have since come to terms with the fact that I do have aspects of my father in me and I have learnt to love that side of me - and it's a big side too - a huge part of my personality was repressed by a number of factors and people and it is so unbelievably liberating to allow me to be myself around everyone I spend time with. It's a good side too and occasionally I do feel guilty, but I believe it is just a trigger of an older memory.
The side that is 'new' and that I've learnt to embrace is an outgoing, friendly and all-accepting dynamic that loves friends and friends of friends to join in and have good time. The reason we had such bad associations with it was that my Dad used this excuse as a cover for the affair a lot of times, "We were just dancing" (This was with Sam, the lady he'd run off with, copious amount of times in the past) "We're just friends"....you get the picture. But luckily I have managed to see the logic in all of this and sift through his personality and taken what I like from it, knowing that by accepting it does not predetermine that I'm going to be a lying, cheating spouse and break up the family that I'm dreaming of.
Anyway, as I was saying in the beginning, it's his 50th today and the point I was getting at was that because of this outgoing, loving, embracing personality, it has made him into a wonderful man, regardless of the hurt he has caused and been exposed to. In order to celebrate his life thus far, I put together a coffee table book of memories from his siblings, relatives, friends, children and girlfriend combined with photographs dating as far back as 1968. My brother and I took him out for dinner last night and presented him with this book. He was almost confused at first until he recognised a photograph and then realised, more or less, what it was. He opened the first page, which read,
"For all the laughs we've shared, games we've played, wine we've drunk and stories we've told...
For all the bikes we've ridden, fish we caught and tents we pitched...
Our childhood was by no means conventional but then neither were you - we love you for that and we treasure the memories we can share and pass on.
You are like no other - you are precious and rare.
We love you Dad.
At that point, he was so overwhelmed with emotion that he closed the book and wiped his tears, "This is awesome!" (One of the fantastic elements that comes with his personality is how easily he shows his emotions, although it has been something he has had to work on - they did not always come naturally.) He gathered himself and turned the page, I had begun with a brief family history and then had a few pictures of his parents, dogs etc - these would all have been taken before 1964 - "Where did you find all these pictures...?" My Dad lost his father at the age of 15 to cancer and he loved him dearly, he began to weep when he saw a photograph of him, "That is my favourite photograph of my Dad" He said through tears. He continued to close the book, cry and thank us profusely and then open it again, when he realised that it wasn't just us in the book, but memories and well-wishes from siblings, family, friends, his girlfriend and so on - he just could not contain himself. It is so rewarding to see a reaction like this, I mean, I hate to see him cry but I know that they are tears of joy and love. Unfortunately, knowing my Dad like I do, I also know that they are tears of guilt - I believe he doesn't think that he deserves anything from my brother and I and after all these years, I can see the guilt for what he did and what he put us through eat away at him every day. The gratitude was unbelievable and that is all anyone really wants, is to see that the receiver realises how much of your heart you poured into a gift like that.
I drove home on a high last night, it made all the late nights, the exhaustion and exasperation of getting people to contribute all worth it when I saw the look on his face because at the end of the day, he is my father. There were a number of years when he wasn't there for me but I was blessed with a number of other men who became my 'Dad's' and it turned out I was luckier than most girls growing up as I had a whole host of men who cared for and loved me as if I was their own. But he is my Dad and I have learnt to love him for who he is and not what he's done. He hurt me in seeking selfish pleasures but never intended to and he was young at the time and simply groping around in the dark, trying to find out who he was and what he was about, much like I and many of you are doing now. I've got to give him credit for being true to himself and following his heart in his search for happiness, which I don't believe is over for him yet but like I always say, life is always about the journey, the road-trip, the punctures, the music and cruising - the destination is just a bonus.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The only glitch was that I'd gone with a friend on Wednesday evening to a wine tasting evening, when Ian had stayed home at his place (an hour away), that he said that this 'wine tasting' sounded very much like a date. I reassured him as best I could and he sulked and didn't participate in anything on Thursday. We chatted on Thursday evening and he said I should have asked him how he felt about this before going. I tried to explain that it was all very last minute and I didn't feel I needed to ask as I felt I was a pretty good judge on whether a guy is a mate of mine or if he's keen on me. He said he just needed time to think about this because he (all of a sudden) didn't think that I was the 'type of person' he wanted to be with. When he went to bed he said again that he'd think about it but "its not looking good". He was very hard that night - like he'd shut off his emotions completely and this freaked me out. I have no idea how someone can do that when they say they love you and are crazy about you. I didn't sleep that night.
Friday morning he woke up saying he still loved me and proceeded to be his usual self the rest of the weekend. I took this as an "We're A-OK" and hoped to just talk it over when we didn't have the whole family around. We came back on Sunday night and all had some much-needed sleep. Monday morning he calls me and breaks up with me. I was so flabbergasted over this whole thing - I didn't even think I was still on trial!! I get this news Monday morning at work over the fucking phone. I tried to keep it together at work but it was rough. I texted him asking him to please have the decency to talk to me face to face and I said as nicely as I could that I didn't think this was the root of the problem and I'd be happy to talk it through. He called later and said we'd just be prolonging it if we met and he apologised for doing it over the phone but said he needed to protect himself. Again - he's been hard and cold - I now feel like I'm dealing with someone I've never known and am at a loss at all of this! Clearly he wants out - I get that and respect it but wish he could give me a reasonable explanation. I'm just so bleak because I thought we had so much that was SO good and it seems like the most ridiculous reason to break up over but I know he is really insecure and sensitive over this kind of stuff - I just wish he'd let me talk to him.
It has been said time and again that relationships are there to teach us things and I have learnt a huge amount from being with Ian. He is a very spiritual person and this is a side of myself I began to explore in Thailand and he was able to extend me further in this regard when we got together. Another thing Ian said to me in the 'argument' on Thursday evening which resulted in being his 'reasons for the breakup' was that I do this to my boyfriends to get back at my father subconsciously. I don't really have clarity on exactly what it is that I am doing and this is making it very hard for me to give the relationship closure and allow me to move on.
He has had a similarly traumatic childhood to mine in that he walked in on his mother kissing another man when he was a young boy. This has led to a large amount of mistrust with women - I remember saying at the beginning of the relationship that we were the most unlikely couple as I didn't trust men as much as he didn't trust women but somehow this seemed to make us work...or so I thought. Unfortunately many of his previous girlfriends proved to Ian that women couldn't be trusted and that has led him to believe (in my opinion) that I was up to no good. The confusing thing is he said he knew I'd never cheat on him and I know in my heart of hearts that if I am in a committed relationship, I do not flirt or consider anyone else - that is just who I am. I said I would be willing to work on this for him and for us and he said that the sad thing is is that I am the kind of person that would work on it but he wasn't willing to wait around.
I am at a loss but suspect that this has happened before with him. I think there is a point that he reaches with a woman and from thereon out there is a brick wall which no one can penetrate. It is incredibly frustrating to be on the other side and feel like you are not being heard. Like I said there is so much that was right about us and I had a very strong feeling about the two of us - I am worried about him as I feel he is throwing away one opportunity after another of loving another with all his heart and allowing himself to be loved. I believe this retaliation comes from a place of severe fear but he holds onto it because it is what he knows and he believes he is protecting himself. People in this situation feel like they are fighting for survival but in fact it just breaks them down more. I know I love very deeply and I have been hurt by this but I cannot imagine depriving myself of love - to me that is just tragic.
I wonder if parents realise the extent of damage or joy they inflict in their children's lives. Sometimes I think they simply do not realise how malleable their children are at these tender ages and how much each action affects them. Having said that, I do not believe that we can blame our parents for our beliefs - at some point we have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and we all know deep down that our beliefs are our choice. If you read through my earlier blogs, you will see the kind of emotional turmoil that I have endured since a very young and influential age. The funny thing is is that in all honesty, I saw something that no one at any age should see their parent doing and a much younger age than he was. I saw my father sleeping with another woman at age 5 and he saw his mother kissing another man at age 8. The extremities are vastly different and while I certainly come with my share of issues and problems - I do not feel they come close to his. This is not a competition, I'm not trying to be better than him - I just wish he would take it into consideration in realising that I would never dream of compromising what we had because of what I've been exposed to.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
But when I think of all you've thrown away I want to kick you or shake you or scream - but you just don't seem to take any notice. For all these years we worked at trust and love and getting to know one another and their families and friends, their secrets and fears and all that time you were slowly and silently moulding me into your perfect girl and someone I wasn't but tried desperately to be for your happiness. The irony in this is you thought I was amazing when you fell in love with me but you couldn't handle other people loving who I was . You didn't want me to have that attention and to love life the way that I did and you did manage to take that away from me for the last 3 - 4 years we were together. Thank goodness I got out - I have thought this so often since we have broken up but then why do I still have a part of me hanging on to you? Because you are not a bad person and you never intended to hurt me - that is the tragedy of the situation. I hung on for so long because I knew who you were underneath but at the end of the day, it is you who must save yourself - You cannot depend on me or anyone else for your happiness. Sadly, I think it will take you a long time to learn this. But you have learnt much since we have been apart and I hope you take the time by yourself to learn this of yourself before you make a commitment I am worried that you will rush into. And yet, why am I worrying about you - when we've parted ways. I have enough to busy my thoughts.
I have met someone else and fallen in love again - I was suprised by how quickly it happened but I do love him and I am so happy with where things are going. I also know myself well enough now to know that I won't fall apart if things don't work out. I can rest in that but it is still bugging me that you still bug me like this. I hope it is just a part of getting over you and there are no other silly little strings attached to this.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Ok, so I have a lot to catch up on - I will have to do it over a bit of time but here it is for now...
I travelled overseas to teach English in Thailand and I experienced some of the loneliest times in my life. Initially I missed the first boyfriend I mentioned, my family, my friends and English speaking people. The time alone was good though. It forced me to face the pain and loneliness head on. I was visited by rebound boyfriend when I was over there who declared his undying love for me and as nice a guy as he was and as much as I wanted it to work - the chemistry just wasn't there and I had to let him down again.
I was able to come home feeling healed for the most-part and like I had rediscovered my personality, character and the essence of who I am. I have since returned home and in less than two months after my return, I met up with a friend of my ex-boyfriend's and after not too long we were together. He is older than I am, which brings its fair share of hurdles. We have told the ex, so that's all sorted and he seems to be OK with it. I have been told by many people that I need someone older than me because of my maturity and strong personality. Age has never been an issue for me though, I see it as I look among the wide variety of age of my friends, it ranges from 13 - 67. I feel blessed to have the ability to see the best in people and love them for what they stand for and are passionate about rather than seeing their limitations.
So that's where I am now and, like I say, I will continue to update you in bits and pieces, which will probably be short if I am to do it often. I look forward to reading your stories, meeting new friends and hopefully get in touch with some of my old blogging buddies ;-) Have a good day.