Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I am trying to lead - but I am blind

I don't know what it is that gets me when I hear about you. It's not that I want to get back together with you. The feelings I have for you are a fondness for the time we spent together. I have no desire to get back together with you now. And yet something cringes when I hear from others that they've seen you and your 'lovely girlfriend'. I know that you're struggling with something too because you've been so unwell and seem grumpy and unhappy when your friends see you. I'm sorry for what you're struggling with. Perhaps its because she is everything you asked me to be and now you're not so sure that you want that anymore. You can't be blamed for that. I did it too.

But when I think of all you've thrown away I want to kick you or shake you or scream - but you just don't seem to take any notice. For all these years we worked at trust and love and getting to know one another and their families and friends, their secrets and fears and all that time you were slowly and silently moulding me into your perfect girl and someone I wasn't but tried desperately to be for your happiness. The irony in this is you thought I was amazing when you fell in love with me but you couldn't handle other people loving who I was . You didn't want me to have that attention and to love life the way that I did and you did manage to take that away from me for the last 3 - 4 years we were together. Thank goodness I got out - I have thought this so often since we have broken up but then why do I still have a part of me hanging on to you? Because you are not a bad person and you never intended to hurt me - that is the tragedy of the situation. I hung on for so long because I knew who you were underneath but at the end of the day, it is you who must save yourself - You cannot depend on me or anyone else for your happiness. Sadly, I think it will take you a long time to learn this. But you have learnt much since we have been apart and I hope you take the time by yourself to learn this of yourself before you make a commitment I am worried that you will rush into. And yet, why am I worrying about you - when we've parted ways. I have enough to busy my thoughts.

I have met someone else and fallen in love again - I was suprised by how quickly it happened but I do love him and I am so happy with where things are going. I also know myself well enough now to know that I won't fall apart if things don't work out. I can rest in that but it is still bugging me that you still bug me like this. I hope it is just a part of getting over you and there are no other silly little strings attached to this.