Thursday, June 26, 2008

Accidently in Love

I've met someone - didn't think it would ever happen so quickly but it has and I never thought I would be treated the way he's treating me either but it is what it is and it should be great, right? He treats me like a princess, pretty much worships me and does, well everything for me but sometimes I simply don't feel that into the whole thing. I can't be alone - I literally cannot do it. I have done it but wherever, and I mean, wherever I can I will be with someone so that I am not alone. This is so unlike me but it is something I obviously havn't experieced before coming out of a long-term relationship. I mean, look at me - I'm already involved with someone else. Its not that I'm not over the last relationship, because I have been through the mourning process for that and am almost completely over it but its the lonliness thing. Its as if I cannot do the 'alone' thing.

Its really just comfort that i'm after - knowing someone is there, not having that deathly silence surrounding you. I cannot believe that I can be with someone that is so crazy about me and good to me and still not recipricate whole-heartedly. Its the most awful feeling. Obviously coming out of a long term relationship, I am wanting something completely casual and don't want to dive straight into another long term thing and I really don't know how to do that. My problem is that I thrive on attention. Not the spotlight kind but the quiet, affectionate kind. The kind that reminds me that that someone cares and loves me - which is exactly what is happening now but I'm still not happy - I am beginning to feel so unbelievably frustrated and yet still reveling in the freedom of the lack of control from the last relationship. I realise that I am probably indulging a little to much in this new attention and affection but to be honest, I've been starved of it for far too long, so I don't think I'm out of line in enjoying it but at the same time, I don't want to hurt someone and use them because they're the last one that deserves it. And the ex, of course, hasn't stopped telling me how awful I am and how I just hurt people left right and centre but at the end of the day, I find myself asking, "Should I have stayed they would be happy in controlling me and moulding me into the person they want me to be - or should I be me - free and uncontrolled in all my glory - mistakes and all...?"