Thursday, June 26, 2008

Accidently in Love

I've met someone - didn't think it would ever happen so quickly but it has and I never thought I would be treated the way he's treating me either but it is what it is and it should be great, right? He treats me like a princess, pretty much worships me and does, well everything for me but sometimes I simply don't feel that into the whole thing. I can't be alone - I literally cannot do it. I have done it but wherever, and I mean, wherever I can I will be with someone so that I am not alone. This is so unlike me but it is something I obviously havn't experieced before coming out of a long-term relationship. I mean, look at me - I'm already involved with someone else. Its not that I'm not over the last relationship, because I have been through the mourning process for that and am almost completely over it but its the lonliness thing. Its as if I cannot do the 'alone' thing.

Its really just comfort that i'm after - knowing someone is there, not having that deathly silence surrounding you. I cannot believe that I can be with someone that is so crazy about me and good to me and still not recipricate whole-heartedly. Its the most awful feeling. Obviously coming out of a long term relationship, I am wanting something completely casual and don't want to dive straight into another long term thing and I really don't know how to do that. My problem is that I thrive on attention. Not the spotlight kind but the quiet, affectionate kind. The kind that reminds me that that someone cares and loves me - which is exactly what is happening now but I'm still not happy - I am beginning to feel so unbelievably frustrated and yet still reveling in the freedom of the lack of control from the last relationship. I realise that I am probably indulging a little to much in this new attention and affection but to be honest, I've been starved of it for far too long, so I don't think I'm out of line in enjoying it but at the same time, I don't want to hurt someone and use them because they're the last one that deserves it. And the ex, of course, hasn't stopped telling me how awful I am and how I just hurt people left right and centre but at the end of the day, I find myself asking, "Should I have stayed they would be happy in controlling me and moulding me into the person they want me to be - or should I be me - free and uncontrolled in all my glory - mistakes and all...?"

2 comments:

Ash said...

Very good blog, I can relate to that. Something that someone always told me though after you get out of a serious relationship - before you get into another relationship, do the 'alone' thing first. They even say its healthier than going through a stream of casual encounters in your 'in between time.' It's better to have that 'alone' period not just to get over your ex, but also time to focus on yourself and reflect on things. It makes your next relationship that much better. At least thats what advice was given to me, maybe it can help. =) I enjoyed reading your blog, stop by mine if you get chance.
Have a good 4th!

-Mila

Happy-go-Lucky said...

Hey Mila,

Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate your feedback. I planned to do the 'alone' thing, which is why I gave this post the title I did. The reason I've carried on with this is because I feel I was mourning and grieving my last relationship for the last year that we were together. I went through a lot of hurt and soul searching during this time but just couldn't get out of it. Enjoy your 4th too...will have a look at yours now... Thanks again, hey.

Happy now...