Broken

We had a public holiday on Thursday - I worked my arse off to work off Friday's hours during monday - wednesday and i took Friday off and had a 4 day weekend. My family and the new boyfriend, Ian, went camping in a remote bushy area and set up camp on the corner of a river and the sea and didn't have showers etc so we were roughing it but it was in a beautiful setting and it really was an amazing time. We paddled up the river and hiked up to exquisite waterfalls and went swimming and suntanned like lizards on the rock and didn't see any other people except the locals. Out of this world!

The only glitch was that I'd gone with a friend on Wednesday evening to a wine tasting evening, when Ian had stayed home at his place (an hour away), that he said that this 'wine tasting' sounded very much like a date. I reassured him as best I could and he sulked and didn't participate in anything on Thursday. We chatted on Thursday evening and he said I should have asked him how he felt about this before going. I tried to explain that it was all very last minute and I didn't feel I needed to ask as I felt I was a pretty good judge on whether a guy is a mate of mine or if he's keen on me. He said he just needed time to think about this because he (all of a sudden) didn't think that I was the 'type of person' he wanted to be with. When he went to bed he said again that he'd think about it but "its not looking good". He was very hard that night - like he'd shut off his emotions completely and this freaked me out. I have no idea how someone can do that when they say they love you and are crazy about you. I didn't sleep that night.

Friday morning he woke up saying he still loved me and proceeded to be his usual self the rest of the weekend. I took this as an "We're A-OK" and hoped to just talk it over when we didn't have the whole family around. We came back on Sunday night and all had some much-needed sleep. Monday morning he calls me and breaks up with me. I was so flabbergasted over this whole thing - I didn't even think I was still on trial!! I get this news Monday morning at work over the fucking phone. I tried to keep it together at work but it was rough. I texted him asking him to please have the decency to talk to me face to face and I said as nicely as I could that I didn't think this was the root of the problem and I'd be happy to talk it through. He called later and said we'd just be prolonging it if we met and he apologised for doing it over the phone but said he needed to protect himself. Again - he's been hard and cold - I now feel like I'm dealing with someone I've never known and am at a loss at all of this! Clearly he wants out - I get that and respect it but wish he could give me a reasonable explanation. I'm just so bleak because I thought we had so much that was SO good and it seems like the most ridiculous reason to break up over but I know he is really insecure and sensitive over this kind of stuff - I just wish he'd let me talk to him.

It has been said time and again that relationships are there to teach us things and I have learnt a huge amount from being with Ian. He is a very spiritual person and this is a side of myself I began to explore in Thailand and he was able to extend me further in this regard when we got together. Another thing Ian said to me in the 'argument' on Thursday evening which resulted in being his 'reasons for the breakup' was that I do this to my boyfriends to get back at my father subconsciously. I don't really have clarity on exactly what it is that I am doing and this is making it very hard for me to give the relationship closure and allow me to move on.

He has had a similarly traumatic childhood to mine in that he walked in on his mother kissing another man when he was a young boy. This has led to a large amount of mistrust with women - I remember saying at the beginning of the relationship that we were the most unlikely couple as I didn't trust men as much as he didn't trust women but somehow this seemed to make us work...or so I thought. Unfortunately many of his previous girlfriends proved to Ian that women couldn't be trusted and that has led him to believe (in my opinion) that I was up to no good. The confusing thing is he said he knew I'd never cheat on him and I know in my heart of hearts that if I am in a committed relationship, I do not flirt or consider anyone else - that is just who I am. I said I would be willing to work on this for him and for us and he said that the sad thing is is that I am the kind of person that would work on it but he wasn't willing to wait around.

I am at a loss but suspect that this has happened before with him. I think there is a point that he reaches with a woman and from thereon out there is a brick wall which no one can penetrate. It is incredibly frustrating to be on the other side and feel like you are not being heard. Like I said there is so much that was right about us and I had a very strong feeling about the two of us - I am worried about him as I feel he is throwing away one opportunity after another of loving another with all his heart and allowing himself to be loved. I believe this retaliation comes from a place of severe fear but he holds onto it because it is what he knows and he believes he is protecting himself. People in this situation feel like they are fighting for survival but in fact it just breaks them down more. I know I love very deeply and I have been hurt by this but I cannot imagine depriving myself of love - to me that is just tragic.

I wonder if parents realise the extent of damage or joy they inflict in their children's lives. Sometimes I think they simply do not realise how malleable their children are at these tender ages and how much each action affects them. Having said that, I do not believe that we can blame our parents for our beliefs - at some point we have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and we all know deep down that our beliefs are our choice. If you read through my earlier blogs, you will see the kind of emotional turmoil that I have endured since a very young and influential age. The funny thing is is that in all honesty, I saw something that no one at any age should see their parent doing and a much younger age than he was. I saw my father sleeping with another woman at age 5 and he saw his mother kissing another man at age 8. The extremities are vastly different and while I certainly come with my share of issues and problems - I do not feel they come close to his. This is not a competition, I'm not trying to be better than him - I just wish he would take it into consideration in realising that I would never dream of compromising what we had because of what I've been exposed to.

Things start taking a Dive...

Now, because I am not sure what point the incident happened with my father, I cannot tell you when the next installment was only that I still had not yet started school. My parents started a diving course. This caused great excitement for my brother and me as we were introduced to the world of wetsuits, goggles, snorkels and air tanks. There was always a very social atmosphere afterwards where we’d all go to a nearby pub for a beer and the kids could play catchers or hide and seek outside. I was very excited but also cautious about the fact that Sam was doing this course as well. In diving, one has a ‘buddy system’ where you pair up with someone and you have to make sure that they are alright at all times thereby no one can get left behind or get into trouble without being noticed. I was very disturbed to learn that Dad and Sam were ‘buddies’ and I had visions of them making out underwater (5 year old logic here ;-)) – Ah, hated it – it haunted me.

Quiet some time later, once the relevant training had been done, all the divers and their families went up the coast to a resort where the diving is very good, to have a diving holiday. The beach was great, the kids were great, but I could not relax because I knew the two of them were going off on frequent occasions to “dive”. It was on this holiday that my Dad announced to my Mum that he was leaving her for Sam and that she and the children were going to move to the city. My mum has always said that it is so strange what one worries about in situations like this. She said this holiday was in the December before I started “big” school. That was her only focus, she said to my dad, “How could you do this? How could you do this now, to your daughter? She is so excited about starting ‘big school’, going into Grade one and having the same teacher that you had in Grade one at the same school that you went to? How could you possibly tell her she’s going to change schools a month before she is due to go?” She always says now what a huge thing this was for her, it was her first child going to school and she placed a lot of importance on it.

My brother and I knew none of this was going on, until we were told that the whole family was having an afternoon sleep – weird. Alarm bells were going off for me because this was very unusual. I could not sleep so I pretended to and listened to my parents whispering, obviously trying to sort things out but I could not make out what they were saying. When they thought we were both asleep they left to go and discuss probably what I’ve just mentioned in the above paragraph.

That evening we were lucky enough to go on a night drive on the beach to watch Leather-back turtles lay eggs. However my mum was crying quietly during the trip. This was the first times and one of the few times I would see her unhappiness as a result of my father. She did not let on what was going on but I knew it was connected with Dad and Sam.

After all of this Dad and Sam ‘nobly’ went to talk things through on the beach and came back to tell their relevant spouses that they were not going to leave them but they had some ‘rules’ about coming back into the marriages. I obviously don’t know what they are but I think they went something along the lines that they could give each other birthday and Christmas presents, they could call and visit each other etc. So that was how things continued between the four adults for quiet some time. Dad and Sam had their spouses and each other, pretty much, whenever they wanted. This, however, was not enough for them…