So...three weeks today, I had the bomb dropped on me. I have been having more good days than bad but they do still come and I still have lows but I've heard it's all to be expected and the sun will come out tomorrow and at some point I'll learn to forgive him and move on and maybe we can all be friends one day. It all sounds very dandy.
I've been learning for exams flat out and so have been saying no to invitations left, right and centre so I can learn when all I really feel like getting out would be just the right medicine. So one of the invitations I turned down was going to rugby this weekend with a friend of mine, Nadine. So after returning home this morning from a lovely (despite learning) weekend, I heard from Nadine - who's only heard in part what went on regarding the breakup between us - that Ivor's been kissing a friend of hers for three weeks. Ok - do the maths...we've only been broken up 3 weeks today so shinanigans must have been going on before that...(surely...?) So all that ranting and raving he went on about me cheating on him and dating other people while he was with them was really aimed at himself and not me...let alone the 'subconscious anger I feel towards men and punishing my boyfriends to get back at my dad.' What a crock of s%!t. I'm going mad because I've never had this done to me before - so please excuse me but I'm furious and broken and just so bloody exhausted.
So, anyway, the reason Nadine was chatting to this friend is because she was saying that the guy (Ian, my ex) she's kissing is such an arsehole because he checked her phone and saw a message from a guy and accused her of cheating on him. Later on, Nadine saw Ian with her and confirmed all the details with her later.
Lovely guy, hey? what a special boy! So, due to the fact that this is the first time I have officially been dumped and cheated on and only found out afterwards and was left feeling like a complete idiot, I will welcome all forms of anti-male rantings and ravings (only kidding) and advice. ;-)
In the meantime - I will work on healing my heart and surrounding myself with my favourite things - including this is a lovely song I have quoted from 'Music and Lyrics' - A way back into love, which I feel is quiet fitting here.
A Way Back into Love
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Since I've been Gone....
Right, so I promised myself the other day that I had to write another post before a month since my last one (shocking! I know) so here we are. Right, since the last post, if I thought I was in love, I know I am now, but I often feel like there's something missing – I cant’ put my finger on it. In the meantime let me explain what I’ve been up to….
I suddenly realized about three weeks ago how important Dave has become in my life. I had a bad day at work and wanted to get Dave’s opinion on something (and just wanted to talk to him) and a friend of his answered – I laughed and said, “oh dear, did u guys have a fine’s evening after the game tonight?” thinking he was a bit drunk as he’d just played his last game and she said, “No, I’m in the Ambulance with him.” I thought she was joking. She explained that he’d taken a bad knock during the game and had been concussed for 5 minutes and convulsed. They were in the ambulance taking his blood pressure etc and on the way to the Hospital. I broke down, I cried and cried and cried and joltingly realized how much he’d come to mean to me in this short space of time. I couldn’t do anything for the rest of the night. I was restless and considering driving down to see him but I held out. I eventually decided to go down at about 11pm. Some other people were there too but Dave was strapped in a neck brace still in casualty, he was quiet pale and still dirty with grazes and grass everywhere, looking so uncomfortable. Because there wasn’t a bed available in that city, he then had to be transferred by ambulance to another Hospital into high care. We eventually left him quiet settled when we were kicked out at about 2:30am. I was back at the hospital at 7am to see what the neurosurgeon had to say when he’d seen him at 6/6:30 AM but the x-rays and reports had not been transferred when Dave had come across and so, he couldn’t make a call. I tried to follow this up but was a case of asking the nurse what she suggest I do to get these documents across here asap (bearing in mind it’s just an email that has to be sent) and she told me to speak to the ‘head’ nurse, who told me to go to reception. Reception told me to go to their x-ray department who explained that they were completely separate from the original hospital’s x-ray department – You get the picture…it’s a nightmare. I eventually went and fetched the hard copy myself (a 45min round trip drive is quicker than sending an email????!!!!) I arrived back at 9:30 with clean clothes for Dave and the hard copy of x-rays. Unfortunately, the reports on the x-rays weren’t ready and I was promised that those would be faxed through when they were. Dave seemed a little better at this stage and later went for a walk around. Visiting hours were from 11 – 11:30 because High Care is situated in ICU, so I hung around until then and visited him for that time, which was the first time I got to see him properly. When I came back at 11, he thanked me for all I’d done, driving down etc, said I shouldn’t have but I made his night. At this point he was looking like a puppy in a cage – he seemed 100% and dying to get out. I left around lunch time yesterday to come back to work thinking he’d be released that afternoon. He only saw the neurosurgeon at about 7:30pm on the second night and was fed up when he was told he had to stay the night again and possibly the next. Poor sausage was there for another 2 nights.
He’s doing well, which is the main thing. This is apparently standard for someone who has had convulsions after a concussion. He had his drip taken out on the second day and was moved to a general ward. He came out of hospital on his third morning and went back to work from midday to the afternoon.
Now, as you know, I had a surprise coming my way from Dave for my birthday, however I didn’t think it was going to happen because of what had happened to him that week but he insisted it was still on. I could not wait… I have never had a surprise birthday and Dave planned this for me about 3 weeks before my birthday (when we’d barely started going out!) So I have to share it with you…
On Friday afternoon I headed down to him and I was dying to see him after his incident earlier in the week and he was only discharged from hospital that morning. He was a little on edge but I think he’d just wanted things to be a little more organized than they were. He’d bought wine, snacks etc for beforehand and we caught up with each other’s weeks. He took me to an upmarket restaurant that I just love, we had a quaint table right near the feature of the restaurant and the Waiter who sat us down announced that once you’ve sat at this table as a couple, you’ll never be apart again…a little corny I know, but it was sweet. Once we’d settled, our conversation led us towards the past weeks events. I explained to him that I’d completely lost it after I’d heard he was in an ambulance. I fell apart and cried my eyes out. I could not believe that this guy who I’d known for such a short time could bear so much on me and my life and how much I’ve come to care for him. I realized all of this in the space of a few seconds, which is why I did the most irrational act of driving down at stupid-o’clock. It was at this point that I expected him to laugh and sit back with an expression of “where’s the nearest door? This chick is mad”. Instead that he told me that although he’d told his friend (whom I was in touch with on the night of the accident) that I must go home and not come down that evening, yet when I walked into the emergency room, he was immediately relieved. I was so flattered by this, as he had one of his closest friends, a colleague and his brother around the bed. He said he was so happy to see me the next morning (Wednesday) and twice more after he thought I’d left. It really meant a lot to him and his words meant so much to me. Darling Dave then impulsively lent across the table after I’d spilt my feelings and promptly knocked over his glass! This of course gave me the absolute giggles and transported the evening atmosphere from heavy to light once more.
On Saturday, Dave woke me up with coffee in bed (my favourite) and he sent me on a treasure hunt for my birthday present. Bearing in mind that he’s taken me out for supper the night before and only known me for a little over a month, he bought me speakers and a front-loader for my music-less car!!!!! He said I stared at it for about a minute before turning to look at him. I was gob smacked to say the least! I cannot believe the effort and energy and everything that he puts into me! As if this wasn’t enough, he made me flapjacks for breakfast! I felt so spoilt! After this, we headed for the Coast for a friend of mine’s birthday where we stayed at a backpackers. We had the most divine time chilling after a very stressful week and spent most of the time at the beach. It was the most wonderful birthday that I’ve had in quiet some time. I thanked him once more as I was leaving, for everything he’d done for me over the weekend and for spoiling me and his response was, “You deserve it.”
What I absolutely love about him is that he can be going through the busiest time at work (I’m talking working Sundays, evenings and early mornings) and he’ll drop me an email just to say “Before my day starts to spin and I get lost in it! I just want to say you’re on my mind and can’t wait to see you again.” My feelings for this soft little soul are growing daily and I just wanted to share that with you because you know where I’ve been and I wish I knew where I was going…!
I suddenly realized about three weeks ago how important Dave has become in my life. I had a bad day at work and wanted to get Dave’s opinion on something (and just wanted to talk to him) and a friend of his answered – I laughed and said, “oh dear, did u guys have a fine’s evening after the game tonight?” thinking he was a bit drunk as he’d just played his last game and she said, “No, I’m in the Ambulance with him.” I thought she was joking. She explained that he’d taken a bad knock during the game and had been concussed for 5 minutes and convulsed. They were in the ambulance taking his blood pressure etc and on the way to the Hospital. I broke down, I cried and cried and cried and joltingly realized how much he’d come to mean to me in this short space of time. I couldn’t do anything for the rest of the night. I was restless and considering driving down to see him but I held out. I eventually decided to go down at about 11pm. Some other people were there too but Dave was strapped in a neck brace still in casualty, he was quiet pale and still dirty with grazes and grass everywhere, looking so uncomfortable. Because there wasn’t a bed available in that city, he then had to be transferred by ambulance to another Hospital into high care. We eventually left him quiet settled when we were kicked out at about 2:30am. I was back at the hospital at 7am to see what the neurosurgeon had to say when he’d seen him at 6/6:30 AM but the x-rays and reports had not been transferred when Dave had come across and so, he couldn’t make a call. I tried to follow this up but was a case of asking the nurse what she suggest I do to get these documents across here asap (bearing in mind it’s just an email that has to be sent) and she told me to speak to the ‘head’ nurse, who told me to go to reception. Reception told me to go to their x-ray department who explained that they were completely separate from the original hospital’s x-ray department – You get the picture…it’s a nightmare. I eventually went and fetched the hard copy myself (a 45min round trip drive is quicker than sending an email????!!!!) I arrived back at 9:30 with clean clothes for Dave and the hard copy of x-rays. Unfortunately, the reports on the x-rays weren’t ready and I was promised that those would be faxed through when they were. Dave seemed a little better at this stage and later went for a walk around. Visiting hours were from 11 – 11:30 because High Care is situated in ICU, so I hung around until then and visited him for that time, which was the first time I got to see him properly. When I came back at 11, he thanked me for all I’d done, driving down etc, said I shouldn’t have but I made his night. At this point he was looking like a puppy in a cage – he seemed 100% and dying to get out. I left around lunch time yesterday to come back to work thinking he’d be released that afternoon. He only saw the neurosurgeon at about 7:30pm on the second night and was fed up when he was told he had to stay the night again and possibly the next. Poor sausage was there for another 2 nights.
He’s doing well, which is the main thing. This is apparently standard for someone who has had convulsions after a concussion. He had his drip taken out on the second day and was moved to a general ward. He came out of hospital on his third morning and went back to work from midday to the afternoon.
Now, as you know, I had a surprise coming my way from Dave for my birthday, however I didn’t think it was going to happen because of what had happened to him that week but he insisted it was still on. I could not wait… I have never had a surprise birthday and Dave planned this for me about 3 weeks before my birthday (when we’d barely started going out!) So I have to share it with you…
On Friday afternoon I headed down to him and I was dying to see him after his incident earlier in the week and he was only discharged from hospital that morning. He was a little on edge but I think he’d just wanted things to be a little more organized than they were. He’d bought wine, snacks etc for beforehand and we caught up with each other’s weeks. He took me to an upmarket restaurant that I just love, we had a quaint table right near the feature of the restaurant and the Waiter who sat us down announced that once you’ve sat at this table as a couple, you’ll never be apart again…a little corny I know, but it was sweet. Once we’d settled, our conversation led us towards the past weeks events. I explained to him that I’d completely lost it after I’d heard he was in an ambulance. I fell apart and cried my eyes out. I could not believe that this guy who I’d known for such a short time could bear so much on me and my life and how much I’ve come to care for him. I realized all of this in the space of a few seconds, which is why I did the most irrational act of driving down at stupid-o’clock. It was at this point that I expected him to laugh and sit back with an expression of “where’s the nearest door? This chick is mad”. Instead that he told me that although he’d told his friend (whom I was in touch with on the night of the accident) that I must go home and not come down that evening, yet when I walked into the emergency room, he was immediately relieved. I was so flattered by this, as he had one of his closest friends, a colleague and his brother around the bed. He said he was so happy to see me the next morning (Wednesday) and twice more after he thought I’d left. It really meant a lot to him and his words meant so much to me. Darling Dave then impulsively lent across the table after I’d spilt my feelings and promptly knocked over his glass! This of course gave me the absolute giggles and transported the evening atmosphere from heavy to light once more.
On Saturday, Dave woke me up with coffee in bed (my favourite) and he sent me on a treasure hunt for my birthday present. Bearing in mind that he’s taken me out for supper the night before and only known me for a little over a month, he bought me speakers and a front-loader for my music-less car!!!!! He said I stared at it for about a minute before turning to look at him. I was gob smacked to say the least! I cannot believe the effort and energy and everything that he puts into me! As if this wasn’t enough, he made me flapjacks for breakfast! I felt so spoilt! After this, we headed for the Coast for a friend of mine’s birthday where we stayed at a backpackers. We had the most divine time chilling after a very stressful week and spent most of the time at the beach. It was the most wonderful birthday that I’ve had in quiet some time. I thanked him once more as I was leaving, for everything he’d done for me over the weekend and for spoiling me and his response was, “You deserve it.”
What I absolutely love about him is that he can be going through the busiest time at work (I’m talking working Sundays, evenings and early mornings) and he’ll drop me an email just to say “Before my day starts to spin and I get lost in it! I just want to say you’re on my mind and can’t wait to see you again.” My feelings for this soft little soul are growing daily and I just wanted to share that with you because you know where I’ve been and I wish I knew where I was going…!
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Weekend
It was my ex's and my anniversary this weekend - that was a tough one. Apart from that on Thursday evening my family and friends went to dinner and a show at a Supper Theatre to celebrate my birthday. I had the most wonderful evening and killed myself laughing right the way through the show. Afterwards, the young 'uns went on the town but not much was open so we landed up going to the new boyfriend's place and chilled, should we give him a name...? I think yes, lets call him David. Friday evening Dave came to my house, some 100 km from his place to house sit with me. Saturday he had a rugby game which I watched and really enjoyed and yesterday we went to the beach in the morning and back up to my place in the afternoon and chilled with my parents, brother and his girlfriend. I decided to have this celebration early because the show finished yesterday and Dave asked if he could take me out for my birthday. I cannot believe it. For so long I hinted to my ex for some kind of a surprise, I even threw him a couple of surprise parties to show him how much fun they were. Even if he'd just made a reservation for us for a celebration would have been enough but a few years ago I gave up. Here is this boy who I have known for probably two months and he is so excited to give me this 'surprise' on Friday night. So I'm so amped and dying to know where we're going.
I'll try and describe him as best I can. I wouldn't say he's amazingly good looking but he has quirks that I'm starting to love about him and that I find incredibly endearing. He plays rugby socially, is very musical and I think he's a romantic at heart. He's an absolute Gentleman. Holds doors open, pours drinks, keeps them topped up etc etc. At the end of last week, I was beginning to worry that I was indulging too much, I felt like he was giving and giving and giving and I was only taking. I chatted to him about this and explained that I felt like I was indulging in his attention and affections etc. He said he hadn't' seen that at all, he said he hadn't given it a second thought and then pointed out that I've been driving up and down to his place nearly every weekend and driving up early on Monday mornings for work and he felt that my commitment was more that there, so that made me feel a whole lot better.
He's a good guy and I think he really likes me. I'm falling for him so hard and fast, its actually ridiculous. The funniest part of all of this is that my parents are crazy about him too! My Step dad says Dave adores me in the way that he always said my ex should have. My mum says she hasn't really seen it yet but she's blown away by his behavior in the stories I tell her. Like when Dave brought me home last night, his second trip to my house that weekend, my mum chuckled and said, "Wow, when I think of how we had to fetch and carry you from your ex's..." so I've got the thumbs up from both of them, which is awesome.
Another slightly amusing thing is, we went for an ice cream yesterday and when we found a table, Dave pulled a chair out and I started sitting down on another chair and he gestured to the chair he'd pulled out for me to sit at and I suddenly realized it was for me and apologized for sitting somewhere else - it must have looked so rude and when I apologized and said I hadn't realized it was for me, he said, "You're also not used to that being done for you." That's truer than he knows! But I also think a couple of things have happened like that that I haven't even realized simply because, I'm not used to it and I think he's realizing more and more about my past relationship as time goes on.
When we started getting semi-serious but not going out yet, I asked him what he liked about me and he said he thought I had the most awesome sense of humour, I was witty, quick, gentle, compassionate blah blah blah. And I remember thinking, some people have told me I'm pretty...I don't know if you've noticed anything... But you know what I've realized? I've always placed SO much importance on it because of the emphasis my dad and my ex have always placed on that. I have ALWAYS wanted to be with someone that loves me for me. My personality needs to be what they love about me because my looks will go - and that is something that always worried me about being with my ex, would he still love me after my youth? Very deep, I know, but I really am feeling good about the situation. Dave has since told me that I'm beautiful and I'm really glad that things have happened in that order. Ah, I cannot tell you how good he is to me. I went to his house this weekend and didn't lift a finger. He cooks, washes, helps out when I do anything. If I try and help him cook, he sits me down and pours me a glass of wine. VERY hard to get used to but can you believe it, I think I'm falling in love with him.... I cannot wait for Friday night...
I'll try and describe him as best I can. I wouldn't say he's amazingly good looking but he has quirks that I'm starting to love about him and that I find incredibly endearing. He plays rugby socially, is very musical and I think he's a romantic at heart. He's an absolute Gentleman. Holds doors open, pours drinks, keeps them topped up etc etc. At the end of last week, I was beginning to worry that I was indulging too much, I felt like he was giving and giving and giving and I was only taking. I chatted to him about this and explained that I felt like I was indulging in his attention and affections etc. He said he hadn't' seen that at all, he said he hadn't given it a second thought and then pointed out that I've been driving up and down to his place nearly every weekend and driving up early on Monday mornings for work and he felt that my commitment was more that there, so that made me feel a whole lot better.
He's a good guy and I think he really likes me. I'm falling for him so hard and fast, its actually ridiculous. The funniest part of all of this is that my parents are crazy about him too! My Step dad says Dave adores me in the way that he always said my ex should have. My mum says she hasn't really seen it yet but she's blown away by his behavior in the stories I tell her. Like when Dave brought me home last night, his second trip to my house that weekend, my mum chuckled and said, "Wow, when I think of how we had to fetch and carry you from your ex's..." so I've got the thumbs up from both of them, which is awesome.
Another slightly amusing thing is, we went for an ice cream yesterday and when we found a table, Dave pulled a chair out and I started sitting down on another chair and he gestured to the chair he'd pulled out for me to sit at and I suddenly realized it was for me and apologized for sitting somewhere else - it must have looked so rude and when I apologized and said I hadn't realized it was for me, he said, "You're also not used to that being done for you." That's truer than he knows! But I also think a couple of things have happened like that that I haven't even realized simply because, I'm not used to it and I think he's realizing more and more about my past relationship as time goes on.
When we started getting semi-serious but not going out yet, I asked him what he liked about me and he said he thought I had the most awesome sense of humour, I was witty, quick, gentle, compassionate blah blah blah. And I remember thinking, some people have told me I'm pretty...I don't know if you've noticed anything... But you know what I've realized? I've always placed SO much importance on it because of the emphasis my dad and my ex have always placed on that. I have ALWAYS wanted to be with someone that loves me for me. My personality needs to be what they love about me because my looks will go - and that is something that always worried me about being with my ex, would he still love me after my youth? Very deep, I know, but I really am feeling good about the situation. Dave has since told me that I'm beautiful and I'm really glad that things have happened in that order. Ah, I cannot tell you how good he is to me. I went to his house this weekend and didn't lift a finger. He cooks, washes, helps out when I do anything. If I try and help him cook, he sits me down and pours me a glass of wine. VERY hard to get used to but can you believe it, I think I'm falling in love with him.... I cannot wait for Friday night...
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