Having stopped dead in the middle of Stranger than Fiction by the compulsion to share something, I am inspired by the question facing Harold Crick (played by Will Farrell) asked by Jules Hilbert (Dustin Hoffman), "Is the story being written about you (Harold) a comedy or a tragedy?" I find this question remarkably relevant to my life right now.
Having travelled to Asia to teach in Thailand, falling in love with teaching, I returned to a wonderful job in the field of design and am studying a full time teaching course in the part-time hours I am afforded with a full time job. The teaching course includes a ten-week long practical teaching component in which I attend school full time. So my days, for the past ten weeks have looked like this:
5:20am Wake up and eat breakfast
6:20am Leave for school
7:00am Arrive at school
2:00pm Travel from school to work (ETA 2:30pm)
4:30pm Leave work
5:00pm Arrive home and continue with the work that I missed that day.
After completing ‘work’ work, I study for my teaching course.
I have felt nothing short of emotionally and physically exhausted over the past couple of months. My teaching practice is nearly over and immediately following that, I have my mid-year exams. A couple of months ago, I (literally) put my neck out. I do believe the start of this is strongly related to my latest ex-boyfriend, however that is another story but basically, on top of this complete exhaustion, I am facing intense tension headaches and throbbing upper back and neck pain.
I felt like so much had come right when I began seeing Tom, someone who I had met about 6 – 8 months ago and we linked up again recently. Tom was flattering, adored me and all I was about. I got swept up in the situation and began to let myself develop feelings for him. We had so much in common and spoke for hours. I felt like I may have met my match. I broke every rule in the book with him. I made contact initially, I replied to his messages immediately, I called him back, and I let him kiss me on our first date. It felt right, it felt like me. I hate playing games and this seemed to work so beautifully and come so naturally. It was by no means perfect but it felt real-which makes it perfect for me.
On date number two, a Wednesday, I had had an intensely emotional and busy day. I was calm and a little reserved at dinner that night. He asked what was wrong and I said that I thought it was not a lack of attraction; it was a case of being ‘once bitten, twice shy’. He was sick and I think that added to it. When I left, he said we could take things slow. I felt like I made it very clear to him that I did like him but something felt off to me, I don’t know if I was picking something up from him or what but I felt like I had blown it. On Friday morning he sent me an email saying that he was sorry but he still had unresolved issues that needed to be sorted out. He didn’t want to put those issues onto someone else and I deserved someone without those issues. The dramatic irony of this situation is that I didn’t read this email until this (Sunday) evening. He had said we could do drinks on Sunday evening, after I got back. When I hadn’t heard from him all weekend, I sent him a message on my way down, saying that if he wanted to do something, he should let me know. As noble as his email sounds and as much as I agree with him, I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth. Its situations like this, when you think you have found a vital puzzle piece for your life and it turns out that it is actually from a whole different puzzle, that makes you doubt people, relationships and love altogether.
I have had very few relationships in my life because most of them are long lasting, which I quiet like but it makes my experience, somewhat limited – let’s put it in a nutshell of lesson’s they’ve taught me:
Tristan I don’t want to be controlled in a relationship or the places or people I interact with to be dictated to me by a boyfriend. I want my independence in a relationship. I am not stupid and I do not want to be demeaned or patronised in a relationship. Change comes from within or from external situations but primarily from one’s own desire to change – no exceptions.
David I want someone who will love and adore me like David but I don’t want to be worshipped – I am not worthy of that and it makes me uncomfortable.
Ivan I want someone spiritually mature. I want someone who loves my personality and encourages my misbehaviour but I don’t want to be controlled or have my family and friends criticised in order to manipulate me. I don’t want to be an emotional crutch to someone who has unresolved issues although I am happy to help them out if they are willing to do the work required.
Tom I am worthy of someone great, who will love and appreciate me. Don’t get too caught up too quickly in something that hasn’t actually happened yet.
Brent I am special and I don’t even know how special. Some people think of me without even knowing how or why.
I am so sad that Tom won’t give this a chance. I felt like we could give this a shot and I don’t know if any of my actions or things that I said put him off this. I do know that I felt like it was over on Friday morning, so if nothing else, I am picking up on people’s ‘vibes’ a whole lot more than I was realising because the feelings I felt on Friday morning were of regret and I couldn’t understand why I was feeling that.
One cannot change other person (Thanks for the lesson Tristan). I don’t want to change his mind. I want him to want to change it. I think he is scared and is retreating. I was scared. I was scared by what I felt for him and the crazy chemistry we had. I was scared by how much he liked me and how he spoke about long-term so soon (first date).
In the past year, I had David confess his undying love for me, which I said ‘Thanks but no thanks’ to. I had Ivan sweep into my life, blinding me with spiritual waffle and forcing his insecurities onto me, leading me to believe that my father’s infidelity that I witnessed was ‘just him (father) trying to survive’, my mother an emotional ice-berg (the warmest, most inviting woman I know…?), my friend a lesbian (I have nothing against homosexual’s but if you knew this friend, you’d know how impossible it would be to imagine her not gawking and drawling and every male object that walks past) and me, a person that apparently cheats on him with a friend of mine (which also conveniently happened to coincide with him meeting someone else to pursue a relationship with and, in turn, someone else’s life to turn upside-down). After Ivan, I decided to get to know someone before I leap head-first into a relationship with them, which led to my slow start with most guys and although I kissed Tom on our first date, I brought up that I wanted to take things slowly and I don’t know if this didn’t scare him off a bit. I think I may just be making excuses for him.
My other problem is Brent, my step-cousin and someone who I have basically spent the summer with. On Friday night, after his farewell, Brent and I stumbled back to my parents’ house in our drunken stupor and, I can’t remember how it started (my memory is severely impaired from this night) but he said he wanted to talk to me. He loved getting to know me this summer, loved my energy and he didn’t think I knew how beautiful or special I was. I have liked Brent for quite a while but didn’t think it was mutual as he never made a move. He bought me a bracelet when he was in Nepal, I think. Not intending to buy it for me - he “just found himself buying it in a curio shop and kind-of knew he was buying it for me.” He was much better than I was expecting and we made out for hours, only briefly interrupted by my mother and I don’t know what she saw but we’ll just ignore that for now and pray like hell that it never comes up ;-) I told Brent that night that I thought it was crazy and would hurt the family (especially the kids) – he said he didn’t think his parents would mind and that his Dad already knew he liked me – wish I could remember that story, I thought it was so funny that night.
This is why I feel like my life is a tragedy, because all the guys I like either turn out to be arseholes that use me or aren’t interested in me. Guys I’m simply not attracted to profess their love to me. Now there is someone, who is interested in me, who I have grown to love and who, when I am around them, I simply cannot stop laughing and guess what…? We’re related. Is this some kind of joke? Not the comic-relief kind - the black-humour type. The irony, the pain, the cleverness of how it is all put together makes me feel like I am the lead character in a brilliant but shattering, Romantic-Tragedy, rated 18 F for fear of ruining the youth’s perception of what could happen in their lives.
Showing posts with label first love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label first love. Show all posts
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thai-ing up loose ends
Life never seems to mind who we are. However, there is always a consequence for our actions... a prime example of this is someone - like me - who starts a blog with the best intentions of writing regularly about her messy life and thrives on the feedback she gets but... (here's life's little payback) when she becomes bad about writing regularly, life subtly says "I told you so" by getting her utterly confused as to where to start when she does eventually sit down to write... that's where I'm at now.
Right, so last I wrote I was jetting off to Thailand quiet soon. I am now here and have been for, I believe just over two months. It has been incredibly challenging due to various circumstances I don't wish to go into but at the same time the natural beauty that surrounds you is nothing short of breathtaking. During the very adverse times I was experiencing, I foolishly reached out to my ex. I cried for him every night and felt like I had made a huge mistake by leaving for such a long time. He was his usual self, sending me a total of two messages since I've been here. He has been better with his emails but nothing to put him out. On the other hand, there is Dave, the guy I broke up with (pretty much 'cause I'm still in love with my ex - but didn't say that to him) Dave - probably every other girl's dream guy, who treated me so amazingly but someone who I simply loved because I was so desperate to be appreciated and needed someone so to badly help me heal. He did this, he helped me re-build my self-confidence. That job has by no means been completed but it is getting there. Having broken up with him, when he fell in love so quickly, has left me wanting to avoid relationships at all costs. I cannot do it. I have decided I absolutely SUCK at breaking up with people. I lose it completely, I sob my eyes out and I'm a wreck for at least a week afterwards, in Tristan's case (big relationship) I'm still not over it and all that happened, when...? April or May I think.
So....Tristan and I have been messaging pretty regularly and have basically admitted to each other that we are missing each other like hell, battling each day out and still don't feel any different from the day we broke up, which pretty much is:
Tristan: He loves me, somethings not right and he doesn't want to break up.
Me: I love him, I wouldn't put up with being treated the way he treated and spoke to me anymore, I'm still in love with him, I'm crazy about him but I want to break up - I have to if I have any self-respect.
And I did have to. The relationship was affecting everything from my spirit, my health and my choices. I have improved vastly in these areas since the break up and I am so proud of myself...pretty much for not committing suicide over this whole thing because.......well, lets be honest, it's been such a shit time and SO bloody tough.
That out the way (bit of background) I finally got everything sorted that was way out of place when I first arrived and I began my English teaching career to Thai children. The short experience I've had so far has been amazing. The thing I've found most amusing is the names of the kids, they get English nick-names and they are really named after the strangest nouns, feelings and even animals. Unfortunately I'm working at a wealthy school (though not in terms of their payment to the teachers!) so the kids aren't overly grateful for their education like I was told to expect and they are there for a full working day, which makes for tired little children who really cannot concentrate for so long. Despite this, I have started to bond with them and am already so involved in all of their lives. I have loved the teaching, it has always been like a 'backup' career for me as it is something that I think comes naturally to me due to me being raised by 'teacher parents' or my love for children, or a combination of this, I'm not sure.
The hardest thing has been making friends, I think it's a good thing, but I realised once I got here that everyone who comes to Thailand has come here with someone - be it a boyfriend, friend, sister/brother or at least met someone here at the airport and moved in with them for the first few months...and here's me COMPLETELY going it alone...but again - I'm proud of myself because I can now say I've done it....without any help - except of course the support I've had from God, which has without a doubt, got me through this all. My point for raising this is that before I came here and had to break Dave's heart (after breaking Tristan's heart and having him constantly remind me of it) is that I decided to be single...I was single for a sum total of about a month and a half between Tristan and Dave and Tristan and I were together for 7 years so I really have not had all that much time to myself, to discover myself or even get to know myself. So this was my time to be single, however I'm not really good at it (as you can see from my time frames listed above!) I crave guy's attention and anything I get, I live off. I think this has a lot to do with my Dad running all over with other women, I quickly learnt (in a very childish manner, I'll put it as:) any attention I could get from him, I had to make that last for the times he was too busy to give me his time. So that's how I've landed here. Someone (a lovely new friend I have in Thailand) said to me when I was giving her a bit of my background, "Wow, you've got a lot of men in your life." I'd never thought of me being like that and I don't particularly like it, but she has a point. Tristan is still a big part of me, we message around 3 or 4 times a week for a few hours, Dave calls or emails at least once a week (and he's coming over to visit!!!! Another story there but when like I said, he fell in love and thought this was the real deal....I wasn't kidding!) I've got another 'friend' who I believe is interested but hasn't said as much (he has a girlfriend who up until a few months ago he was planning on proposing to but now he's changed his mind, broken up with her and since gotten back together) but he wants to come here and work near me for a couple of months. Then of course there is that guy I have a crush on and am infatuated with which I was sure was completely one sided who was texting me for a couple of hours the other day while his girlfriend was out....look at that list - I sound like such a slut! Thank goodness I've only been with two of them but come on, it is not normal for one girl to have this many guys in her life...talk about issues.
My worst days are when I decide to have a chilled day at home, these tend to be so miserable and depressing because I have to face the loneliness and acknowledge to myself that without the hustle and bustle surrounding my work, I am still struggling and miss Tristan with everything I have, the pain is raw and I miss him with every fibre of my being when I do finally face up to it. I love him so intensely and I hate him for letting things get to this. He is the boy who rules my heart. I was looking at photos last night and just looking at him, it felt so unnatural not to be with him and not to be his. I hate him so much for not making an effort to keep me or let me know how he feels. I hate him for not fighting for me, for what he said to me and how he treated me and for loving me but not showing me or treating me how he should. We had everything and I hate him because we don't have that anymore. I know I shouldn't blame him but these are quiet simply my feelings, raw and exposed. I hate myself for blaming and hating him but at the core of all of this is my love for him - he was my first love and our love conquered so much and cost me so much but I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from it. To be honest, I don't even know if I want to...
Right, so last I wrote I was jetting off to Thailand quiet soon. I am now here and have been for, I believe just over two months. It has been incredibly challenging due to various circumstances I don't wish to go into but at the same time the natural beauty that surrounds you is nothing short of breathtaking. During the very adverse times I was experiencing, I foolishly reached out to my ex. I cried for him every night and felt like I had made a huge mistake by leaving for such a long time. He was his usual self, sending me a total of two messages since I've been here. He has been better with his emails but nothing to put him out. On the other hand, there is Dave, the guy I broke up with (pretty much 'cause I'm still in love with my ex - but didn't say that to him) Dave - probably every other girl's dream guy, who treated me so amazingly but someone who I simply loved because I was so desperate to be appreciated and needed someone so to badly help me heal. He did this, he helped me re-build my self-confidence. That job has by no means been completed but it is getting there. Having broken up with him, when he fell in love so quickly, has left me wanting to avoid relationships at all costs. I cannot do it. I have decided I absolutely SUCK at breaking up with people. I lose it completely, I sob my eyes out and I'm a wreck for at least a week afterwards, in Tristan's case (big relationship) I'm still not over it and all that happened, when...? April or May I think.
So....Tristan and I have been messaging pretty regularly and have basically admitted to each other that we are missing each other like hell, battling each day out and still don't feel any different from the day we broke up, which pretty much is:
Tristan: He loves me, somethings not right and he doesn't want to break up.
Me: I love him, I wouldn't put up with being treated the way he treated and spoke to me anymore, I'm still in love with him, I'm crazy about him but I want to break up - I have to if I have any self-respect.
And I did have to. The relationship was affecting everything from my spirit, my health and my choices. I have improved vastly in these areas since the break up and I am so proud of myself...pretty much for not committing suicide over this whole thing because.......well, lets be honest, it's been such a shit time and SO bloody tough.
That out the way (bit of background) I finally got everything sorted that was way out of place when I first arrived and I began my English teaching career to Thai children. The short experience I've had so far has been amazing. The thing I've found most amusing is the names of the kids, they get English nick-names and they are really named after the strangest nouns, feelings and even animals. Unfortunately I'm working at a wealthy school (though not in terms of their payment to the teachers!) so the kids aren't overly grateful for their education like I was told to expect and they are there for a full working day, which makes for tired little children who really cannot concentrate for so long. Despite this, I have started to bond with them and am already so involved in all of their lives. I have loved the teaching, it has always been like a 'backup' career for me as it is something that I think comes naturally to me due to me being raised by 'teacher parents' or my love for children, or a combination of this, I'm not sure.
The hardest thing has been making friends, I think it's a good thing, but I realised once I got here that everyone who comes to Thailand has come here with someone - be it a boyfriend, friend, sister/brother or at least met someone here at the airport and moved in with them for the first few months...and here's me COMPLETELY going it alone...but again - I'm proud of myself because I can now say I've done it....without any help - except of course the support I've had from God, which has without a doubt, got me through this all. My point for raising this is that before I came here and had to break Dave's heart (after breaking Tristan's heart and having him constantly remind me of it) is that I decided to be single...I was single for a sum total of about a month and a half between Tristan and Dave and Tristan and I were together for 7 years so I really have not had all that much time to myself, to discover myself or even get to know myself. So this was my time to be single, however I'm not really good at it (as you can see from my time frames listed above!) I crave guy's attention and anything I get, I live off. I think this has a lot to do with my Dad running all over with other women, I quickly learnt (in a very childish manner, I'll put it as:) any attention I could get from him, I had to make that last for the times he was too busy to give me his time. So that's how I've landed here. Someone (a lovely new friend I have in Thailand) said to me when I was giving her a bit of my background, "Wow, you've got a lot of men in your life." I'd never thought of me being like that and I don't particularly like it, but she has a point. Tristan is still a big part of me, we message around 3 or 4 times a week for a few hours, Dave calls or emails at least once a week (and he's coming over to visit!!!! Another story there but when like I said, he fell in love and thought this was the real deal....I wasn't kidding!) I've got another 'friend' who I believe is interested but hasn't said as much (he has a girlfriend who up until a few months ago he was planning on proposing to but now he's changed his mind, broken up with her and since gotten back together) but he wants to come here and work near me for a couple of months. Then of course there is that guy I have a crush on and am infatuated with which I was sure was completely one sided who was texting me for a couple of hours the other day while his girlfriend was out....look at that list - I sound like such a slut! Thank goodness I've only been with two of them but come on, it is not normal for one girl to have this many guys in her life...talk about issues.
My worst days are when I decide to have a chilled day at home, these tend to be so miserable and depressing because I have to face the loneliness and acknowledge to myself that without the hustle and bustle surrounding my work, I am still struggling and miss Tristan with everything I have, the pain is raw and I miss him with every fibre of my being when I do finally face up to it. I love him so intensely and I hate him for letting things get to this. He is the boy who rules my heart. I was looking at photos last night and just looking at him, it felt so unnatural not to be with him and not to be his. I hate him so much for not making an effort to keep me or let me know how he feels. I hate him for not fighting for me, for what he said to me and how he treated me and for loving me but not showing me or treating me how he should. We had everything and I hate him because we don't have that anymore. I know I shouldn't blame him but these are quiet simply my feelings, raw and exposed. I hate myself for blaming and hating him but at the core of all of this is my love for him - he was my first love and our love conquered so much and cost me so much but I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from it. To be honest, I don't even know if I want to...
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