Pot-Hole in One

So, while my computer is backing up and I can't do any work, I have no more excuses to not catch you up on my exciting life and times :)

Seeing as I havn't been in touch for a while - I'll fill you in from where I last remember filling you in.

The online dating thing has been fun, however with the good comes the bad... (are you getting a sense this story may be good...?) So I meet Jason for coffee (or my new 'pre-date' - initial short, to the point meeting to see if there's anything there) but it was just before christmas and I was rushing off to a Carols by candlelight at the Botanical Gardens and there wasn't all that much time to meet. The conversation was great - attraction was on the negative scale. He is in his last year of Law and has been studying elsewhere and recently moved back up to my city with his parents. So I rush off to my carols, feeling a little bad that it was so short and don't give much more thought to it.

A little while later, Jason asks if I'd like to meet up again. I feel so bad about the short, rushed coffee and I enjoyed the conversation. I'm also really trying to open up my mind to 'different' kinds of guys, hoping I may just be pleasantly surprised (This, for the most part, has yet to happen) So I agree. Jason suggests that we play putt-putt.... mmmm - now this would be a great idea on a Friday or Saturday night clubbed together with a few drinks and festive vibe, where we could go off and party with our friends afterwards or something but it was a Monday night... Yup. He was about the only person who thought it was a good idea for that night. No one else was there and there was even less of a vibe. I tried to make it less awkward and fun but I don't know if I pulled it off.

Out of politeness, I warned him that I was no good. Any idea what dear Jason did...??? He doesn't say a word but does a demonstration of how to hit with a putt-putt club. Stifling a giggle - I'm pretty sure I kept it quiet - I proceeded to warm up into the game but my darling Jason continues to do a demonstration before EVERY SINGLE shot I took. In the end I was beating him and he STILL proceeds to show me how to hit with a putt-putt club! I was ready to pummel him into the next hole with my club until I took a deep breath and thought - clearly this is not working, so just relax, enjoy the game and you won't ever have to see him again.

We got to the end of the game and Jason wanted to go for a cup of coffee. "Ok," I think,"I'm about to drop this guy, after a shit putt-putt game, the least I can do is go for a cup of coffee." Off we go and Jason then asks,
"Do I make you uncomfortable?" AWKWARD! I write my unease off to lack of sleep and severe stress and he seems to buy it. We chat for a while and basically it was as clear as sunlight that you couldn't have put two more different people together if you'd tried. BEFORE he gets the bill, he wants to know if I'll see him again (this oke's a sucker for punishment) I explain that he's a lovely guy but I just didn't see a romantic connection emerging bla bla bla - nice but firm and very clear. I'm proud of myself, I can do this breaking off thing without squirming :)

A week later however, 23:43 I get an sms from Jason "Do you want to have a casual relationship with me under the following conditions (How's the lawyer talk??!!) 1) The relationship is strictly monogomous. 2)We are always respectful and honest with each other. 3) we go and get tested together (!!!!!!!!!!!!) 4) it lasts as long as we both find it a fulfilling and uplifting experience. What do you think? We could be uncomplicated, passionate, generous lovers." Ok - hilarious but frrreaky!! So I decide the best way to get my message across is no reply.

He hasn't heard from me for a week. So what does he do...? He sends ANOTHER message!!! "Hey :-) Do you have any single friends that are looking to meet people and who you think I would get on with?" So girls... who's keen? Shame. Poor Jason is now affectionately known as putt-putt boy.

It was Triston's (long-term ex) birthday on Monday - March is a month-long celebration for that family as 3 members of the family have their birthdays then and I've been miserable for days and dreading the approaching date. Remarkably, I was fine on the day. I sent him a message for his birthday and a friend of mine asked me to play wingman for her up in my hometown (which also happens to be where Triston lives). Off we went - she was meeting Garth from the Tv show - a friend of hers. We saw Rod, a friend of Triston's, and his new girlfriend there. A little later on, Garth arrives and we chat to him a bit - he's actually there for a birthday party...mmmm - Triston's birthday....Rod's there.....mmmm - what are the chances...? Minimal - calm down. Nats (other wingman) asks him, "So, who's birthday is it?" Garth fumbles around for a name...."Ti, Te - Triston!" Nats gasps with horror, Nicole goes 'aw-aw' I laugh... seriously...what are the chances that on one of the hardest nights post break up - I have to be at the restaurant with him and his lovely girlfriend, singing happy birthday. Oh well. Take it like a man...

Triston walked past and saw my brother and stopped to say hello, then saw me. I gave him a hug and wished him happy birthday - he's put on weight and is not looking well. I felt sorry for him but happy for me. (I know its selfish but I needed that right then). Nats pipes up - Ew - you're way hotter - I wouldn't kiss that if you paid me! Seriously bud - you're much better off. She had us in stiches of laughter and lightened my evening no end.

I was so proud of myself for not falling apart and not wanting to either. It was a very big step in my little recovery journey and I was just so happy with how far I'd come. Seeing them all in their little uptown clan, prepping for Marriage and 2.4 children with the little picket fence house - it all came flooding back to me - the falseness and especially how his friends treated me after the breakup - they're not real friends and that's not the life I want. I'm tired after a late night and long drive back but I'm feeling so good and so happy about my decision. I'm still single but I'm not in a relationship where I can't be me and where I'm unhappy. I think that's an important epiphany. Ok - enough with the deep stuff. Shortly after this, although it will be out of order, I will tell you how I came to meet Triston's new girlfriend...now THAT'S a story and a half!

The Ugly Truth

I watched The Ugly Truth
last night and absolutely loved it. I always find a guys perspective very refreshing. I am starting to look forward to getting back in the dating game too. So I thought I'd put the rules down on paper and see what your response is to them... Which rules to you live by and what do you want the opposite (or same) sex to keep in mind when dating you?

From a guy’s view

1) Never criticise a guy
2) Laugh at whatever a guy says (even if its not funny)
3) Men are very visual.
- Don’t be inaccessible. “Nothings wrong with comfort and efficiency except no one wants to fuck it.”
- “…now that is a bra – you put your boobs in this and they say ‘put me in your mouth I taste good’”
- “Length is very important – we need short enough to see some thigh but not so short to see v^g”
- Hair – "It needs to be longer...men like something to grab onto other than your arse. A ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery or emptying a litter box and neither of those things inspires an erection."
4) Don’t talk about your problems ‘cause men don’t care.


From a girl’s view
1) Focus on you first and forget about the guy (men want what they can’t have)
2) Have fun on dates, but ask the tough questions with a smile if you start getting serious
3) Get a style makeover to find out your best colors and looks
4) Trust your instincts when you first meet a guy (they're seldom wrong)
5) Walk away with a smile if a guy can’t step up to the plate!

Finding my Way back into Love

So...three weeks today, I had the bomb dropped on me. I have been having more good days than bad but they do still come and I still have lows but I've heard it's all to be expected and the sun will come out tomorrow and at some point I'll learn to forgive him and move on and maybe we can all be friends one day. It all sounds very dandy.

I've been learning for exams flat out and so have been saying no to invitations left, right and centre so I can learn when all I really feel like getting out would be just the right medicine. So one of the invitations I turned down was going to rugby this weekend with a friend of mine, Nadine. So after returning home this morning from a lovely (despite learning) weekend, I heard from Nadine - who's only heard in part what went on regarding the breakup between us - that Ivor's been kissing a friend of hers for three weeks. Ok - do the maths...we've only been broken up 3 weeks today so shinanigans must have been going on before that...(surely...?) So all that ranting and raving he went on about me cheating on him and dating other people while he was with them was really aimed at himself and not me...let alone the 'subconscious anger I feel towards men and punishing my boyfriends to get back at my dad.' What a crock of s%!t. I'm going mad because I've never had this done to me before - so please excuse me but I'm furious and broken and just so bloody exhausted.

So, anyway, the reason Nadine was chatting to this friend is because she was saying that the guy (Ian, my ex) she's kissing is such an arsehole because he checked her phone and saw a message from a guy and accused her of cheating on him. Later on, Nadine saw Ian with her and confirmed all the details with her later.

Lovely guy, hey? what a special boy! So, due to the fact that this is the first time I have officially been dumped and cheated on and only found out afterwards and was left feeling like a complete idiot, I will welcome all forms of anti-male rantings and ravings (only kidding) and advice. ;-)

In the meantime - I will work on healing my heart and surrounding myself with my favourite things - including this is a lovely song I have quoted from 'Music and Lyrics' - A way back into love, which I feel is quiet fitting here.

A Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Thai-ing up loose ends

Life never seems to mind who we are. However, there is always a consequence for our actions... a prime example of this is someone - like me - who starts a blog with the best intentions of writing regularly about her messy life and thrives on the feedback she gets but... (here's life's little payback) when she becomes bad about writing regularly, life subtly says "I told you so" by getting her utterly confused as to where to start when she does eventually sit down to write... that's where I'm at now.

Right, so last I wrote I was jetting off to Thailand quiet soon. I am now here and have been for, I believe just over two months. It has been incredibly challenging due to various circumstances I don't wish to go into but at the same time the natural beauty that surrounds you is nothing short of breathtaking. During the very adverse times I was experiencing, I foolishly reached out to my ex. I cried for him every night and felt like I had made a huge mistake by leaving for such a long time. He was his usual self, sending me a total of two messages since I've been here. He has been better with his emails but nothing to put him out. On the other hand, there is Dave, the guy I broke up with (pretty much 'cause I'm still in love with my ex - but didn't say that to him) Dave - probably every other girl's dream guy, who treated me so amazingly but someone who I simply loved because I was so desperate to be appreciated and needed someone so to badly help me heal. He did this, he helped me re-build my self-confidence. That job has by no means been completed but it is getting there. Having broken up with him, when he fell in love so quickly, has left me wanting to avoid relationships at all costs. I cannot do it. I have decided I absolutely SUCK at breaking up with people. I lose it completely, I sob my eyes out and I'm a wreck for at least a week afterwards, in Tristan's case (big relationship) I'm still not over it and all that happened, when...? April or May I think.

So....Tristan and I have been messaging pretty regularly and have basically admitted to each other that we are missing each other like hell, battling each day out and still don't feel any different from the day we broke up, which pretty much is:
Tristan: He loves me, somethings not right and he doesn't want to break up.
Me: I love him, I wouldn't put up with being treated the way he treated and spoke to me anymore, I'm still in love with him, I'm crazy about him but I want to break up - I have to if I have any self-respect.
And I did have to. The relationship was affecting everything from my spirit, my health and my choices. I have improved vastly in these areas since the break up and I am so proud of myself...pretty much for not committing suicide over this whole thing because.......well, lets be honest, it's been such a shit time and SO bloody tough.

That out the way (bit of background) I finally got everything sorted that was way out of place when I first arrived and I began my English teaching career to Thai children. The short experience I've had so far has been amazing. The thing I've found most amusing is the names of the kids, they get English nick-names and they are really named after the strangest nouns, feelings and even animals. Unfortunately I'm working at a wealthy school (though not in terms of their payment to the teachers!) so the kids aren't overly grateful for their education like I was told to expect and they are there for a full working day, which makes for tired little children who really cannot concentrate for so long. Despite this, I have started to bond with them and am already so involved in all of their lives. I have loved the teaching, it has always been like a 'backup' career for me as it is something that I think comes naturally to me due to me being raised by 'teacher parents' or my love for children, or a combination of this, I'm not sure.

The hardest thing has been making friends, I think it's a good thing, but I realised once I got here that everyone who comes to Thailand has come here with someone - be it a boyfriend, friend, sister/brother or at least met someone here at the airport and moved in with them for the first few months...and here's me COMPLETELY going it alone...but again - I'm proud of myself because I can now say I've done it....without any help - except of course the support I've had from God, which has without a doubt, got me through this all. My point for raising this is that before I came here and had to break Dave's heart (after breaking Tristan's heart and having him constantly remind me of it) is that I decided to be single...I was single for a sum total of about a month and a half between Tristan and Dave and Tristan and I were together for 7 years so I really have not had all that much time to myself, to discover myself or even get to know myself. So this was my time to be single, however I'm not really good at it (as you can see from my time frames listed above!) I crave guy's attention and anything I get, I live off. I think this has a lot to do with my Dad running all over with other women, I quickly learnt (in a very childish manner, I'll put it as:) any attention I could get from him, I had to make that last for the times he was too busy to give me his time. So that's how I've landed here. Someone (a lovely new friend I have in Thailand) said to me when I was giving her a bit of my background, "Wow, you've got a lot of men in your life." I'd never thought of me being like that and I don't particularly like it, but she has a point. Tristan is still a big part of me, we message around 3 or 4 times a week for a few hours, Dave calls or emails at least once a week (and he's coming over to visit!!!! Another story there but when like I said, he fell in love and thought this was the real deal....I wasn't kidding!) I've got another 'friend' who I believe is interested but hasn't said as much (he has a girlfriend who up until a few months ago he was planning on proposing to but now he's changed his mind, broken up with her and since gotten back together) but he wants to come here and work near me for a couple of months. Then of course there is that guy I have a crush on and am infatuated with which I was sure was completely one sided who was texting me for a couple of hours the other day while his girlfriend was out....look at that list - I sound like such a slut! Thank goodness I've only been with two of them but come on, it is not normal for one girl to have this many guys in her life...talk about issues.

My worst days are when I decide to have a chilled day at home, these tend to be so miserable and depressing because I have to face the loneliness and acknowledge to myself that without the hustle and bustle surrounding my work, I am still struggling and miss Tristan with everything I have, the pain is raw and I miss him with every fibre of my being when I do finally face up to it. I love him so intensely and I hate him for letting things get to this. He is the boy who rules my heart. I was looking at photos last night and just looking at him, it felt so unnatural not to be with him and not to be his. I hate him so much for not making an effort to keep me or let me know how he feels. I hate him for not fighting for me, for what he said to me and how he treated me and for loving me but not showing me or treating me how he should. We had everything and I hate him because we don't have that anymore. I know I shouldn't blame him but these are quiet simply my feelings, raw and exposed. I hate myself for blaming and hating him but at the core of all of this is my love for him - he was my first love and our love conquered so much and cost me so much but I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from it. To be honest, I don't even know if I want to...