My Life and Times

Glandular Fever

2010-05-21T11:45:00.002+02:00

In November 2009 I felt like I was in the prime of my life. I was rid of emotional and spiritual parasites, I was pursuing my new-found dream of working with children by becoming a teacher, I was healthy – something I have learnt to value to a large degree due to my undiagnosed illness stemming from Pneumonia a few years ago, which lasted for 2 years, and I was fit from paddling running and being up for anything else that was on-the-go. On top of all this, I felt loved and accepted by my friends and family – who could ask for more? Life was busy and brimming over with plans and excitement – the way I love my life to be. I felt SO good and it was radiating out of me – people said so and I could see it.

Why is it then, that this was the time that Glandular Fever hit me? When I had never felt better? Was it because I was over-doing things? Was it because everything caught up with me at the end of the year? Was it that my immune system was caught off-guard while in this blissful state of health and happiness? I don’t know – there are plenty of stories that I’ve told myself to try and find the cause – mainly so it won’t happen again – and it is probably a little bit of all of these. I didn’t recognise myself at Christmas time – one of my favourite times of the year – I was absolutely and utterly exhausted. I couldn’t face Christmas shopping – I couldn’t move my neck further than 45⁰ either side of looking straight ahead and there was no apparent reason for this. Every joint in my body ached and screamed in pain. My neck was visibly larger with inflamed glands and swallowing caused physical pain.

Two weeks later the symptoms had only become worse while I tried to fight this ‘flu’ and get back on track with my training for the ‘big canoe race’in January. I was adamant the last 7 months of training were not going to go to waste because of this ‘silly cold’. By this time my eyes were totally swollen as well – there was no doubt about it I wouldn’t even have blended in in Singapore! When my doctor called to say I’d tested positive for Glandular Fever and that my big canoe race was off, I felt like my world was crumbling around me.

Sooner than I knew it, it was time to go back to work – I was sure I’d put in more hours of bed rest than was humanly possible and my mind said – “I’m over it – let’s start 2010 with a bang!” I went back to paddling – slowly as recommended by the doc and only ran every second day. It wasn’t long before I was sick again and in severe neck pain. I took a break for a couple of weeks tried starting even slower and the same thing would happen. I was beyond frustrated. Once, while paddling, I was trying to make it to the quarter-way mark of my usual training route and the pain was the only thing holding me back – I had the will power, I had the drive, I had the mind power but nothing right then could push me through that pain and complete absence of energy. I broke down in tears – right in the middle of the river – out of pure aggravation of not being able to do even a portion, at uber-slow pace, of what I used to. I got off the river that day and decided that I would see my doctor again and tell him that I was prepared to do anything for as long as it took, in order to get better. He said, ‘No sport until further notice’. He referred me to a Neurosurgeon for my neck, who sent me for an MRI scan. Two of the disks at the base of my neck were putting pressure on my spinal cord, which caused inflammation in the membrane and acute muscle spasm. I knew it wasn’t a deathly serious injury from the beginning – which made it all the more frustrating that I couldn’t continue with my life as I always had and had to take (for me at least) such drastic measures like stopping sport.

Essentially, it is the fatigue and neck pain that I have been left with as post-Glandular Fever symptoms. I have had to sit up and take serious note of the fact that every cell in my body was inflamed with a serious and potentially very harmful disease and that I could be overdoing things without even knowing it. The effects will only be visible in my body not recovering. I haven’t done any sport since early February – in the beginning I was grumpy, agitated and short with those close to me but my mind, for the most part, came around. My emotions would fluctuate between being strong mentally and knowing I could take this on to the frustration to a disgruntled, miserable feeling. I came across a website (http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~jchap/tvgla7.htm )which was written by someone who has had Glandular Fever for the past 15 years. He has a lot of readers who have written in to tell of similar stories(http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~jchap/tvgla8.htm). It was a great relief to find others who have experienced similar things to me and who all desperately want to feel ‘normal’ again. One person said “I miss my life. I miss myself.”

What really made me sad was how many of these people had been told by doctors, friends or family that they were looking for attention or that it was all in their mind. I’ve always known how great you all are but it is when we face adversities such as this that we learn who our friends are and who we want to be standing at our side in times of trouble. I am so blessed to have such a strong network of friends and family who believe in me and support me. I know I am on the mend – this week I started to feel some of my old energy seeping back into me when I had energy to wash the dishes! I cannot explain the elation I felt to feel some of the old me coming back!! It may be a long slow road of getting back to where I was and I’m fine with that. So long as I’ll get there, I will say ‘slowly…slowly…slowly’ while I’m walking before I’m running and swimming before I’m paddling again.

To my friends and family, Thank you for your love, support and encouragement – a lot of you are scattered across the country and even the world but when I hear from you my day lights up and in that, I am healed a little more, a little quicker. Thank you for being so special and caring for me the way you do. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Keep Dreaming

2010-05-13T08:54:00.000+02:00

The section that I read in A New Earth (Eckhart Tolle, 2006) last night was about us allowing ourselves to loose our concept of time. Not 'clock-time' obviously - we need that for the practicalities of life, appointments, planning etc but our perception and concept of time - being our obsession with the past and/or the future. By disregarding 'time' we are able to be freed from the horizontal restrictions it has on us and therefore giving ourselves the gift of being able to expand vertically - into an entirely new dimension of living in the now. If we say we are going to give ourselves more time (for example - we'll loose the ego later) we are in fact giving our self (the ego) more time to develop.

I loved the way it was described - Tolle says when we wake up from a dream we think 'it was just a dream' and we continue on with the day. And isn't all of our life like that...? Our memories, events, people, places, emotions, fears. They may seem 'all-important' when they come barging into our lives but once they're done and we move onto the next thing we need to deal with, they dissappear into the nothingness from whence they came... therefore our worrying about them gives them their importance. These 'things' are therefore as whispy and have as much priority as a dream. All of life is like a dream - Me being the person that absolutely loves dreamland thought this was one of the most beautiful statements I had read. Life becomes more beautiful with every new discovery about it that is made.

Keep dreaming beautiful dreams...

Comedy or Tragedy?

2010-04-25T21:47:00.002+02:00

Having stopped dead in the middle of Stranger than Fiction by the compulsion to share something, I am inspired by the question facing Harold Crick (played by Will Farrell) asked by Jules Hilbert (Dustin Hoffman), "Is the story being written about you (Harold) a comedy or a tragedy?" I find this question remarkably relevant to my life right now.

Having travelled to Asia to teach in Thailand, falling in love with teaching, I returned to a wonderful job in the field of design and am studying a full time teaching course in the part-time hours I am afforded with a full time job. The teaching course includes a ten-week long practical teaching component in which I attend school full time. So my days, for the past ten weeks have looked like this:
5:20am Wake up and eat breakfast
6:20am Leave for school
7:00am Arrive at school
2:00pm Travel from school to work (ETA 2:30pm)
4:30pm Leave work
5:00pm Arrive home and continue with the work that I missed that day.
After completing ‘work’ work, I study for my teaching course.
I have felt nothing short of emotionally and physically exhausted over the past couple of months. My teaching practice is nearly over and immediately following that, I have my mid-year exams. A couple of months ago, I (literally) put my neck out. I do believe the start of this is strongly related to my latest ex-boyfriend, however that is another story but basically, on top of this complete exhaustion, I am facing intense tension headaches and throbbing upper back and neck pain.

I felt like so much had come right when I began seeing Tom, someone who I had met about 6 – 8 months ago and we linked up again recently. Tom was flattering, adored me and all I was about. I got swept up in the situation and began to let myself develop feelings for him. We had so much in common and spoke for hours. I felt like I may have met my match. I broke every rule in the book with him. I made contact initially, I replied to his messages immediately, I called him back, and I let him kiss me on our first date. It felt right, it felt like me. I hate playing games and this seemed to work so beautifully and come so naturally. It was by no means perfect but it felt real-which makes it perfect for me.

On date number two, a Wednesday, I had had an intensely emotional and busy day. I was calm and a little reserved at dinner that night. He asked what was wrong and I said that I thought it was not a lack of attraction; it was a case of being ‘once bitten, twice shy’. He was sick and I think that added to it. When I left, he said we could take things slow. I felt like I made it very clear to him that I did like him but something felt off to me, I don’t know if I was picking something up from him or what but I felt like I had blown it. On Friday morning he sent me an email saying that he was sorry but he still had unresolved issues that needed to be sorted out. He didn’t want to put those issues onto someone else and I deserved someone without those issues. The dramatic irony of this situation is that I didn’t read this email until this (Sunday) evening. He had said we could do drinks on Sunday evening, after I got back. When I hadn’t heard from him all weekend, I sent him a message on my way down, saying that if he wanted to do something, he should let me know. As noble as his email sounds and as much as I agree with him, I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth. Its situations like this, when you think you have found a vital puzzle piece for your life and it turns out that it is actually from a whole different puzzle, that makes you doubt people, relationships and love altogether.

I have had very few relationships in my life because most of them are long lasting, which I quiet like but it makes my experience, somewhat limited – let’s put it in a nutshell of lesson’s they’ve taught me:
Tristan  I don’t want to be controlled in a relationship or the places or people I interact with to be dictated to me by a boyfriend. I want my independence in a relationship. I am not stupid and I do not want to be demeaned or patronised in a relationship. Change comes from within or from external situations but primarily from one’s own desire to change – no exceptions.
David  I want someone who will love and adore me like David but I don’t want to be worshipped – I am not worthy of that and it makes me uncomfortable.
Ivan  I want someone spiritually mature. I want someone who loves my personality and encourages my misbehaviour but I don’t want to be controlled or have my family and friends criticised in order to manipulate me. I don’t want to be an emotional crutch to someone who has unresolved issues although I am happy to help them out if they are willing to do the work required.
Tom  I am worthy of someone great, who will love and appreciate me. Don’t get too caught up too quickly in something that hasn’t actually happened yet.
Brent  I am special and I don’t even know how special. Some people think of me without even knowing how or why.

I am so sad that Tom won’t give this a chance. I felt like we could give this a shot and I don’t know if any of my actions or things that I said put him off this. I do know that I felt like it was over on Friday morning, so if nothing else, I am picking up on people’s ‘vibes’ a whole lot more than I was realising because the feelings I felt on Friday morning were of regret and I couldn’t understand why I was feeling that.

One cannot change other person (Thanks for the lesson Tristan). I don’t want to change his mind. I want him to want to change it. I think he is scared and is retreating. I was scared. I was scared by what I felt for him and the crazy chemistry we had. I was scared by how much he liked me and how he spoke about long-term so soon (first date).

In the past year, I had David confess his undying love for me, which I said ‘Thanks but no thanks’ to. I had Ivan sweep into my life, blinding me with spiritual waffle and forcing his insecurities onto me, leading me to believe that my father’s infidelity that I witnessed was ‘just him (father) trying to survive’, my mother an emotional ice-berg (the warmest, most inviting woman I know…?), my friend a lesbian (I have nothing against homosexual’s but if you knew this friend, you’d know how impossible it would be to imagine her not gawking and drawling and every male object that walks past) and me, a person that apparently cheats on him with a friend of mine (which also conveniently happened to coincide with him meeting someone else to pursue a relationship with and, in turn, someone else’s life to turn upside-down). After Ivan, I decided to get to know someone before I leap head-first into a relationship with them, which led to my slow start with most guys and although I kissed Tom on our first date, I brought up that I wanted to take things slowly and I don’t know if this didn’t scare him off a bit. I think I may just be making excuses for him.

My other problem is Brent, my step-cousin and someone who I have basically spent the summer with. On Friday night, after his farewell, Brent and I stumbled back to my parents’ house in our drunken stupor and, I can’t remember how it started (my memory is severely impaired from this night) but he said he wanted to talk to me. He loved getting to know me this summer, loved my energy and he didn’t think I knew how beautiful or special I was. I have liked Brent for quite a while but didn’t think it was mutual as he never made a move. He bought me a bracelet when he was in Nepal, I think. Not intending to buy it for me - he “just found himself buying it in a curio shop and kind-of knew he was buying it for me.” He was much better than I was expecting and we made out for hours, only briefly interrupted by my mother and I don’t know what she saw but we’ll just ignore that for now and pray like hell that it never comes up ;-) I told Brent that night that I thought it was crazy and would hurt the family (especially the kids) – he said he didn’t think his parents would mind and that his Dad already knew he liked me – wish I could remember that story, I thought it was so funny that night.

This is why I feel like my life is a tragedy, because all the guys I like either turn out to be arseholes that use me or aren’t interested in me. Guys I’m simply not attracted to profess their love to me. Now there is someone, who is interested in me, who I have grown to love and who, when I am around them, I simply cannot stop laughing and guess what…? We’re related. Is this some kind of joke? Not the comic-relief kind - the black-humour type. The irony, the pain, the cleverness of how it is all put together makes me feel like I am the lead character in a brilliant but shattering, Romantic-Tragedy, rated 18 F for fear of ruining the youth’s perception of what could happen in their lives.

Pot-Hole in One

2010-03-10T15:27:00.000+02:00

So, while my computer is backing up and I can't do any work, I have no more excuses to not catch you up on my exciting life and times :)

Seeing as I havn't been in touch for a while - I'll fill you in from where I last remember filling you in.

The online dating thing has been fun, however with the good comes the bad... (are you getting a sense this story may be good...?) So I meet Jason for coffee (or my new 'pre-date' - initial short, to the point meeting to see if there's anything there) but it was just before christmas and I was rushing off to a Carols by candlelight at the Botanical Gardens and there wasn't all that much time to meet. The conversation was great - attraction was on the negative scale. He is in his last year of Law and has been studying elsewhere and recently moved back up to my city with his parents. So I rush off to my carols, feeling a little bad that it was so short and don't give much more thought to it.

A little while later, Jason asks if I'd like to meet up again. I feel so bad about the short, rushed coffee and I enjoyed the conversation. I'm also really trying to open up my mind to 'different' kinds of guys, hoping I may just be pleasantly surprised (This, for the most part, has yet to happen) So I agree. Jason suggests that we play putt-putt.... mmmm - now this would be a great idea on a Friday or Saturday night clubbed together with a few drinks and festive vibe, where we could go off and party with our friends afterwards or something but it was a Monday night... Yup. He was about the only person who thought it was a good idea for that night. No one else was there and there was even less of a vibe. I tried to make it less awkward and fun but I don't know if I pulled it off.

Out of politeness, I warned him that I was no good. Any idea what dear Jason did...??? He doesn't say a word but does a demonstration of how to hit with a putt-putt club. Stifling a giggle - I'm pretty sure I kept it quiet - I proceeded to warm up into the game but my darling Jason continues to do a demonstration before EVERY SINGLE shot I took. In the end I was beating him and he STILL proceeds to show me how to hit with a putt-putt club! I was ready to pummel him into the next hole with my club until I took a deep breath and thought - clearly this is not working, so just relax, enjoy the game and you won't ever have to see him again.

We got to the end of the game and Jason wanted to go for a cup of coffee. "Ok," I think,"I'm about to drop this guy, after a shit putt-putt game, the least I can do is go for a cup of coffee." Off we go and Jason then asks,
"Do I make you uncomfortable?" AWKWARD! I write my unease off to lack of sleep and severe stress and he seems to buy it. We chat for a while and basically it was as clear as sunlight that you couldn't have put two more different people together if you'd tried. BEFORE he gets the bill, he wants to know if I'll see him again (this oke's a sucker for punishment) I explain that he's a lovely guy but I just didn't see a romantic connection emerging bla bla bla - nice but firm and very clear. I'm proud of myself, I can do this breaking off thing without squirming :)

A week later however, 23:43 I get an sms from Jason "Do you want to have a casual relationship with me under the following conditions (How's the lawyer talk??!!) 1) The relationship is strictly monogomous. 2)We are always respectful and honest with each other. 3) we go and get tested together (!!!!!!!!!!!!) 4) it lasts as long as we both find it a fulfilling and uplifting experience. What do you think? We could be uncomplicated, passionate, generous lovers." Ok - hilarious but frrreaky!! So I decide the best way to get my message across is no reply.

He hasn't heard from me for a week. So what does he do...? He sends ANOTHER message!!! "Hey :-) Do you have any single friends that are looking to meet people and who you think I would get on with?" So girls... who's keen? Shame. Poor Jason is now affectionately known as putt-putt boy.

It was Triston's (long-term ex) birthday on Monday - March is a month-long celebration for that family as 3 members of the family have their birthdays then and I've been miserable for days and dreading the approaching date. Remarkably, I was fine on the day. I sent him a message for his birthday and a friend of mine asked me to play wingman for her up in my hometown (which also happens to be where Triston lives). Off we went - she was meeting Garth from the Tv show - a friend of hers. We saw Rod, a friend of Triston's, and his new girlfriend there. A little later on, Garth arrives and we chat to him a bit - he's actually there for a birthday party...mmmm - Triston's birthday....Rod's there.....mmmm - what are the chances...? Minimal - calm down. Nats (other wingman) asks him, "So, who's birthday is it?" Garth fumbles around for a name...."Ti, Te - Triston!" Nats gasps with horror, Nicole goes 'aw-aw' I laugh... seriously...what are the chances that on one of the hardest nights post break up - I have to be at the restaurant with him and his lovely girlfriend, singing happy birthday. Oh well. Take it like a man...

Triston walked past and saw my brother and stopped to say hello, then saw me. I gave him a hug and wished him happy birthday - he's put on weight and is not looking well. I felt sorry for him but happy for me. (I know its selfish but I needed that right then). Nats pipes up - Ew - you're way hotter - I wouldn't kiss that if you paid me! Seriously bud - you're much better off. She had us in stiches of laughter and lightened my evening no end.

I was so proud of myself for not falling apart and not wanting to either. It was a very big step in my little recovery journey and I was just so happy with how far I'd come. Seeing them all in their little uptown clan, prepping for Marriage and 2.4 children with the little picket fence house - it all came flooding back to me - the falseness and especially how his friends treated me after the breakup - they're not real friends and that's not the life I want. I'm tired after a late night and long drive back but I'm feeling so good and so happy about my decision. I'm still single but I'm not in a relationship where I can't be me and where I'm unhappy. I think that's an important epiphany. Ok - enough with the deep stuff. Shortly after this, although it will be out of order, I will tell you how I came to meet Triston's new girlfriend...now THAT'S a story and a half!

"Its just that...very few people surprise me." "Yeah? Well you're lucky - most of 'em shock the hell outta me." - Pretty Woman

2009-11-11T15:39:00.000+02:00

So my flatemate's boyfriend, Ron, broke up with Laura over the weekend and she was so heartbroken that she stayed at a mates house last night. My sleep is violently disturbed by annoying buzzing sounds that I really did not want in my dreams - it was a very drunken Ron ringing my buzzer continuously until i anwer at 4am this morning!!! I tell him Laura's not home, he mumbles, I ask if he'll be alright, I get no response so I put it down and go back to bed. As I was dozing off he rings it again non stop - hes so drunk he can hardly speak. I keep telling him she's not home and even offer him a lift home but he cant answer - he's far too pissed. And this goes on until 5am when i take the buzzer off the hook.

Someone lets him in the gate at 5:30 then he's at the door until I answer the door. Ok - its 5:30 in the morning - this guy has had me up and down my stairs for an hour and a half, he says "Hey", barges past me, upstairs and into her bed...!!!!!

WTF????!!!!

Flag 'em Down

2009-10-29T08:38:00.001+02:00

The Ugly Truth

2009-10-21T11:34:00.004+02:00

I watched The Ugly Truth
last night and absolutely loved it. I always find a guys perspective very refreshing. I am starting to look forward to getting back in the dating game too. So I thought I'd put the rules down on paper and see what your response is to them... Which rules to you live by and what do you want the opposite (or same) sex to keep in mind when dating you?

From a guy’s view

1) Never criticise a guy
2) Laugh at whatever a guy says (even if its not funny)
3) Men are very visual.
- Don’t be inaccessible. “Nothings wrong with comfort and efficiency except no one wants to fuck it.”
- “…now that is a bra – you put your boobs in this and they say ‘put me in your mouth I taste good’”
- “Length is very important – we need short enough to see some thigh but not so short to see v^g”
- Hair – "It needs to be longer...men like something to grab onto other than your arse. A ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery or emptying a litter box and neither of those things inspires an erection."
4) Don’t talk about your problems ‘cause men don’t care.

From a girl’s view
1) Focus on you first and forget about the guy (men want what they can’t have)
2) Have fun on dates, but ask the tough questions with a smile if you start getting serious
3) Get a style makeover to find out your best colors and looks
4) Trust your instincts when you first meet a guy (they're seldom wrong)
5) Walk away with a smile if a guy can’t step up to the plate!

Finding my Way back into Love

2009-10-20T11:48:00.001+02:00

So...three weeks today, I had the bomb dropped on me. I have been having more good days than bad but they do still come and I still have lows but I've heard it's all to be expected and the sun will come out tomorrow and at some point I'll learn to forgive him and move on and maybe we can all be friends one day. It all sounds very dandy.

I've been learning for exams flat out and so have been saying no to invitations left, right and centre so I can learn when all I really feel like getting out would be just the right medicine. So one of the invitations I turned down was going to rugby this weekend with a friend of mine, Nadine. So after returning home this morning from a lovely (despite learning) weekend, I heard from Nadine - who's only heard in part what went on regarding the breakup between us - that Ivor's been kissing a friend of hers for three weeks. Ok - do the maths...we've only been broken up 3 weeks today so shinanigans must have been going on before that...(surely...?) So all that ranting and raving he went on about me cheating on him and dating other people while he was with them was really aimed at himself and not me...let alone the 'subconscious anger I feel towards men and punishing my boyfriends to get back at my dad.' What a crock of s%!t. I'm going mad because I've never had this done to me before - so please excuse me but I'm furious and broken and just so bloody exhausted.

So, anyway, the reason Nadine was chatting to this friend is because she was saying that the guy (Ian, my ex) she's kissing is such an arsehole because he checked her phone and saw a message from a guy and accused her of cheating on him. Later on, Nadine saw Ian with her and confirmed all the details with her later.

Lovely guy, hey? what a special boy! So, due to the fact that this is the first time I have officially been dumped and cheated on and only found out afterwards and was left feeling like a complete idiot, I will welcome all forms of anti-male rantings and ravings (only kidding) and advice. ;-)

In the meantime - I will work on healing my heart and surrounding myself with my favourite things - including this is a lovely song I have quoted from 'Music and Lyrics' - A way back into love, which I feel is quiet fitting here.

A Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

My Life and Times: PLEASE NOTE

2009-10-08T10:31:00.000+02:00

My Life and Times: PLEASE NOTE

http://darkmemories-happy-go-lucky.blogspot.com/

My Life and Times: PLEASE NOTE

2009-10-08T10:30:00.000+02:00

http://darkmemories-happy-go-lucky.blogspot.com/

I Dedicate this to you, Dad. Happy Birthday

2009-10-08T09:40:00.005+02:00

Today is my father's fiftieth Birthday and thankfully, time has healed many things. Yes, I was exposed to things a child, or anyone should never see their father doing but apart from the strain it appears to have put on some of my romantic relationships, which my father is unaware of, he is still a remarkable man with an outgoing personality and an enthusiasm for life, regardless of what is thrown his way and he has certainly had his fair share of lemons.

One of the hardest things I have had to face is my similarities to him. My mother, one of the kindest and most loving souls I know (unconsciously, I believe) began to suggest that my father's irresponsible and reckless behaviour led to the affair and eventually the breakdown of their marriage and our family. Unfortunately, as with most unconscious things, she was unaware that she was doing this and it began to filter into my (and I believe my brother's) minds that with this type of behaviour, came the personality, the morals and the infidelity - all bundled into one. We almost began to despise this personality type. So one can imagine how hard it was when we (my brother and I) began to see parts of our father's personality emerging through us. We have not discussed this at length, however I radically rejected this side of myself when I began to see it emerge. I remember one night with Tristen (long term boyfriend), I was having a party and he was quiet sober for a change - I was dancing the night away and messing around with my friends and I noticed him sitting on a bar stool so I went over to talk to him. He chuckled at me and said, "You've got more of your father in you than you think." I was so hurt by this comment at the time and it really upset me that he should say such a thing. He meant it to be spiteful because he didn't approve of my father at all. Anyway, I have since come to terms with the fact that I do have aspects of my father in me and I have learnt to love that side of me - and it's a big side too - a huge part of my personality was repressed by a number of factors and people and it is so unbelievably liberating to allow me to be myself around everyone I spend time with. It's a good side too and occasionally I do feel guilty, but I believe it is just a trigger of an older memory.

The side that is 'new' and that I've learnt to embrace is an outgoing, friendly and all-accepting dynamic that loves friends and friends of friends to join in and have good time. The reason we had such bad associations with it was that my Dad used this excuse as a cover for the affair a lot of times, "We were just dancing" (This was with Sam, the lady he'd run off with, copious amount of times in the past) "We're just friends"....you get the picture. But luckily I have managed to see the logic in all of this and sift through his personality and taken what I like from it, knowing that by accepting it does not predetermine that I'm going to be a lying, cheating spouse and break up the family that I'm dreaming of.

Anyway, as I was saying in the beginning, it's his 50th today and the point I was getting at was that because of this outgoing, loving, embracing personality, it has made him into a wonderful man, regardless of the hurt he has caused and been exposed to. In order to celebrate his life thus far, I put together a coffee table book of memories from his siblings, relatives, friends, children and girlfriend combined with photographs dating as far back as 1968. My brother and I took him out for dinner last night and presented him with this book. He was almost confused at first until he recognised a photograph and then realised, more or less, what it was. He opened the first page, which read,

"For all the laughs we've shared, games we've played, wine we've drunk and stories we've told...
For all the bikes we've ridden, fish we caught and tents we pitched...
Our childhood was by no means conventional but then neither were you - we love you for that and we treasure the memories we can share and pass on.
You are like no other - you are precious and rare.
We love you Dad.
Happy Birthday"

At that point, he was so overwhelmed with emotion that he closed the book and wiped his tears, "This is awesome!" (One of the fantastic elements that comes with his personality is how easily he shows his emotions, although it has been something he has had to work on - they did not always come naturally.) He gathered himself and turned the page, I had begun with a brief family history and then had a few pictures of his parents, dogs etc - these would all have been taken before 1964 - "Where did you find all these pictures...?" My Dad lost his father at the age of 15 to cancer and he loved him dearly, he began to weep when he saw a photograph of him, "That is my favourite photograph of my Dad" He said through tears. He continued to close the book, cry and thank us profusely and then open it again, when he realised that it wasn't just us in the book, but memories and well-wishes from siblings, family, friends, his girlfriend and so on - he just could not contain himself. It is so rewarding to see a reaction like this, I mean, I hate to see him cry but I know that they are tears of joy and love. Unfortunately, knowing my Dad like I do, I also know that they are tears of guilt - I believe he doesn't think that he deserves anything from my brother and I and after all these years, I can see the guilt for what he did and what he put us through eat away at him every day. The gratitude was unbelievable and that is all anyone really wants, is to see that the receiver realises how much of your heart you poured into a gift like that.

I drove home on a high last night, it made all the late nights, the exhaustion and exasperation of getting people to contribute all worth it when I saw the look on his face because at the end of the day, he is my father. There were a number of years when he wasn't there for me but I was blessed with a number of other men who became my 'Dad's' and it turned out I was luckier than most girls growing up as I had a whole host of men who cared for and loved me as if I was their own. But he is my Dad and I have learnt to love him for who he is and not what he's done. He hurt me in seeking selfish pleasures but never intended to and he was young at the time and simply groping around in the dark, trying to find out who he was and what he was about, much like I and many of you are doing now. I've got to give him credit for being true to himself and following his heart in his search for happiness, which I don't believe is over for him yet but like I always say, life is always about the journey, the road-trip, the punctures, the music and cruising - the destination is just a bonus.

PLEASE NOTE

2009-10-05T11:54:00.003+02:00

Please take note that I have decided to split my current blog into 2: This blog will continue with my present life and my new blog, http://darkmemories-happy-go-lucky.blogspot.com/ is going to be my outlet for documenting what I remember of my rocky childhood. I would love some regular and new readers. Please feel free to drop by.

Broken

2009-09-30T09:47:00.004+02:00

We had a public holiday on Thursday - I worked my arse off to work off Friday's hours during monday - wednesday and i took Friday off and had a 4 day weekend. My family and the new boyfriend, Ian, went camping in a remote bushy area and set up camp on the corner of a river and the sea and didn't have showers etc so we were roughing it but it was in a beautiful setting and it really was an amazing time. We paddled up the river and hiked up to exquisite waterfalls and went swimming and suntanned like lizards on the rock and didn't see any other people except the locals. Out of this world!

The only glitch was that I'd gone with a friend on Wednesday evening to a wine tasting evening, when Ian had stayed home at his place (an hour away), that he said that this 'wine tasting' sounded very much like a date. I reassured him as best I could and he sulked and didn't participate in anything on Thursday. We chatted on Thursday evening and he said I should have asked him how he felt about this before going. I tried to explain that it was all very last minute and I didn't feel I needed to ask as I felt I was a pretty good judge on whether a guy is a mate of mine or if he's keen on me. He said he just needed time to think about this because he (all of a sudden) didn't think that I was the 'type of person' he wanted to be with. When he went to bed he said again that he'd think about it but "its not looking good". He was very hard that night - like he'd shut off his emotions completely and this freaked me out. I have no idea how someone can do that when they say they love you and are crazy about you. I didn't sleep that night.

Friday morning he woke up saying he still loved me and proceeded to be his usual self the rest of the weekend. I took this as an "We're A-OK" and hoped to just talk it over when we didn't have the whole family around. We came back on Sunday night and all had some much-needed sleep. Monday morning he calls me and breaks up with me. I was so flabbergasted over this whole thing - I didn't even think I was still on trial!! I get this news Monday morning at work over the fucking phone. I tried to keep it together at work but it was rough. I texted him asking him to please have the decency to talk to me face to face and I said as nicely as I could that I didn't think this was the root of the problem and I'd be happy to talk it through. He called later and said we'd just be prolonging it if we met and he apologised for doing it over the phone but said he needed to protect himself. Again - he's been hard and cold - I now feel like I'm dealing with someone I've never known and am at a loss at all of this! Clearly he wants out - I get that and respect it but wish he could give me a reasonable explanation. I'm just so bleak because I thought we had so much that was SO good and it seems like the most ridiculous reason to break up over but I know he is really insecure and sensitive over this kind of stuff - I just wish he'd let me talk to him.

It has been said time and again that relationships are there to teach us things and I have learnt a huge amount from being with Ian. He is a very spiritual person and this is a side of myself I began to explore in Thailand and he was able to extend me further in this regard when we got together. Another thing Ian said to me in the 'argument' on Thursday evening which resulted in being his 'reasons for the breakup' was that I do this to my boyfriends to get back at my father subconsciously. I don't really have clarity on exactly what it is that I am doing and this is making it very hard for me to give the relationship closure and allow me to move on.

He has had a similarly traumatic childhood to mine in that he walked in on his mother kissing another man when he was a young boy. This has led to a large amount of mistrust with women - I remember saying at the beginning of the relationship that we were the most unlikely couple as I didn't trust men as much as he didn't trust women but somehow this seemed to make us work...or so I thought. Unfortunately many of his previous girlfriends proved to Ian that women couldn't be trusted and that has led him to believe (in my opinion) that I was up to no good. The confusing thing is he said he knew I'd never cheat on him and I know in my heart of hearts that if I am in a committed relationship, I do not flirt or consider anyone else - that is just who I am. I said I would be willing to work on this for him and for us and he said that the sad thing is is that I am the kind of person that would work on it but he wasn't willing to wait around.

I am at a loss but suspect that this has happened before with him. I think there is a point that he reaches with a woman and from thereon out there is a brick wall which no one can penetrate. It is incredibly frustrating to be on the other side and feel like you are not being heard. Like I said there is so much that was right about us and I had a very strong feeling about the two of us - I am worried about him as I feel he is throwing away one opportunity after another of loving another with all his heart and allowing himself to be loved. I believe this retaliation comes from a place of severe fear but he holds onto it because it is what he knows and he believes he is protecting himself. People in this situation feel like they are fighting for survival but in fact it just breaks them down more. I know I love very deeply and I have been hurt by this but I cannot imagine depriving myself of love - to me that is just tragic.

I wonder if parents realise the extent of damage or joy they inflict in their children's lives. Sometimes I think they simply do not realise how malleable their children are at these tender ages and how much each action affects them. Having said that, I do not believe that we can blame our parents for our beliefs - at some point we have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and we all know deep down that our beliefs are our choice. If you read through my earlier blogs, you will see the kind of emotional turmoil that I have endured since a very young and influential age. The funny thing is is that in all honesty, I saw something that no one at any age should see their parent doing and a much younger age than he was. I saw my father sleeping with another woman at age 5 and he saw his mother kissing another man at age 8. The extremities are vastly different and while I certainly come with my share of issues and problems - I do not feel they come close to his. This is not a competition, I'm not trying to be better than him - I just wish he would take it into consideration in realising that I would never dream of compromising what we had because of what I've been exposed to.

I am trying to lead - but I am blind

2009-09-08T10:54:00.001+02:00

I don't know what it is that gets me when I hear about you. It's not that I want to get back together with you. The feelings I have for you are a fondness for the time we spent together. I have no desire to get back together with you now. And yet something cringes when I hear from others that they've seen you and your 'lovely girlfriend'. I know that you're struggling with something too because you've been so unwell and seem grumpy and unhappy when your friends see you. I'm sorry for what you're struggling with. Perhaps its because she is everything you asked me to be and now you're not so sure that you want that anymore. You can't be blamed for that. I did it too.

But when I think of all you've thrown away I want to kick you or shake you or scream - but you just don't seem to take any notice. For all these years we worked at trust and love and getting to know one another and their families and friends, their secrets and fears and all that time you were slowly and silently moulding me into your perfect girl and someone I wasn't but tried desperately to be for your happiness. The irony in this is you thought I was amazing when you fell in love with me but you couldn't handle other people loving who I was . You didn't want me to have that attention and to love life the way that I did and you did manage to take that away from me for the last 3 - 4 years we were together. Thank goodness I got out - I have thought this so often since we have broken up but then why do I still have a part of me hanging on to you? Because you are not a bad person and you never intended to hurt me - that is the tragedy of the situation. I hung on for so long because I knew who you were underneath but at the end of the day, it is you who must save yourself - You cannot depend on me or anyone else for your happiness. Sadly, I think it will take you a long time to learn this. But you have learnt much since we have been apart and I hope you take the time by yourself to learn this of yourself before you make a commitment I am worried that you will rush into. And yet, why am I worrying about you - when we've parted ways. I have enough to busy my thoughts.

I have met someone else and fallen in love again - I was suprised by how quickly it happened but I do love him and I am so happy with where things are going. I also know myself well enough now to know that I won't fall apart if things don't work out. I can rest in that but it is still bugging me that you still bug me like this. I hope it is just a part of getting over you and there are no other silly little strings attached to this.

...AND SHE'S BACK!!!!

2009-07-31T13:56:00.003+02:00

Hello All! I have not died and disappeared off the face of this Earth contrary to what most of you may have believed. My google account was hacked into and taken over, loosing all my information and my blogging details to go with it - what a NIGHTMARE! At long last I have regained access into my original account and thank goodness because I've realised now that I seriously need this blog as an outlet in my life. I have missed all my readers and their stories! So here I am...

Ok, so I have a lot to catch up on - I will have to do it over a bit of time but here it is for now...

I travelled overseas to teach English in Thailand and I experienced some of the loneliest times in my life. Initially I missed the first boyfriend I mentioned, my family, my friends and English speaking people. The time alone was good though. It forced me to face the pain and loneliness head on. I was visited by rebound boyfriend when I was over there who declared his undying love for me and as nice a guy as he was and as much as I wanted it to work - the chemistry just wasn't there and I had to let him down again.

I was able to come home feeling healed for the most-part and like I had rediscovered my personality, character and the essence of who I am. I have since returned home and in less than two months after my return, I met up with a friend of my ex-boyfriend's and after not too long we were together. He is older than I am, which brings its fair share of hurdles. We have told the ex, so that's all sorted and he seems to be OK with it. I have been told by many people that I need someone older than me because of my maturity and strong personality. Age has never been an issue for me though, I see it as I look among the wide variety of age of my friends, it ranges from 13 - 67. I feel blessed to have the ability to see the best in people and love them for what they stand for and are passionate about rather than seeing their limitations.

So that's where I am now and, like I say, I will continue to update you in bits and pieces, which will probably be short if I am to do it often. I look forward to reading your stories, meeting new friends and hopefully get in touch with some of my old blogging buddies ;-) Have a good day.

Feeling Krabi

2008-12-20T07:35:00.004+02:00

Right, here is my Krabi post. Krabi, pronounced Cru-bee by the locals, is located almost directly to the East of Phuket, my new friend and I decided we would go ahead, even though we were missing our third musketeer...at 7:30 am on Saturday 13th December, we were collected by the tour company and taken through the bowels of Phuket to the port. My only experience of travelling on a ferry is a ferry I took from, I don't even know where across to the mainland of Maputo, Mozambique on a family trip when I must have been about 8 or 9 years old. I remember my parents' panic-stricken faces when they saw us and the rest of Mozambique climb
onto the creaking concoction of diesel-smelling rusting metal they called 'the ferry'. My mum took us to the top of the ferry and sat us down with a look more serious than the 'birds and the bees' talk expression and she said to us in a voice firmer than I care to remember, "Listen VERY carefully, most of the people on this boat cannot swim, if this boat sinks, you wait until you're almost in the water and you jump as far away from the boat as you can and you swim as hard and as fast as you can away from all these people, in that direction." I am glad to say we
miraculously got across fine and vowed never to use it again... So, honestly, that is what I was expecting when I booked my ferry ticket to Krabi. I was a little reserved in breaking the news to my mum as to how I planned to get there and as soon as I did, I had to laugh when she
said, "Right, do you remember the ferry rules...?" We arrived at the port and we climbed aboard a large beautifully kept speedboat and we made our way to the front of the boat where we found "our spot" - right in the bow of the boat, my friend, Annie described us as Kate and Leo in Titanic ;-)

The two hour boat trip was smooth and intoxicating. We passed several islands on the way and suntanned and took photographs along with the rest of the tourists on board. Despite this borrowed luxury, nothing could have prepared us for the sights that lay just around the
headland's bend...lush forests, soaring limestone towers and extensive shimmering sapphire waters...

For the next three days I walked around with my mouth hanging open and its just as well there wasn't a breath of wind, for if there was, in my grandmother's words, my face would have stayed like that! I just could not get enough of the raw beauty. We had found some budget
accommodation nearby, which had brightly coloured yellow and turquoise walls and comical writing on the outside. It was all we needed as we were not planning on spending any time, apart from bedtime, in our room. It was a 700m walk from Nopharat Thara Beach along a quiet road next to a mangrove swamp. We decided to take a long-tail boat (the old traditional wooded Thai boats with a small engine and a long plank extending out at the front of the boat, which wouldn't be complete without the Thai flag coloured fabric proudly displayed) to a place called Railey Beach, I still couldn't close my mouth...this was more of a cove caressed by limestone cliffs than the long stretch of white beaches that make up Ao Nang. We spent the day relaxing in the sun, swimming in the glittering waters and staring at the perfect views. As I looked down Railey beach at the row of long tail boats sitting in the sand while the water barely rolled
up on the shore with the emerald green forests dripping down the limestone cliffs reaching up to the sky and my life stopped for a second...I have always known there are beautiful places in the world but I remember thinking to myself that I found the beauty quiet surreal. I was mesmerized by the splendour of the scene to the point of feeling lethargic. Once we'd returned, Annie and I had dinner watched the sun go down and then continued along the strip of restaurants lining Nopharat Thara Beach, oohing and aahing at the great food and even better prices.

The following day we headed off on a tour that did 'island hopping' to four islands. Again, my mouth was hanging. The first island we visited was called Tup Island which joins its neighboring island by a short bar of white sand which can be crossed at low tide. We spent an hour lying on the beach, swimming and discussing our itineraries for when/if friends and family came to visit us. Every now and then throughout the day we would just gasp at the attractiveness around us...we couldn't believe our eyes. After about an hour, we went on to our next spot, passing a comparatively large island called Chicken Island named after a protruding rock that is shaped like a chicken head. We then threw anchor down at a purely limestone island, meaning, there was no sand or anywhere to walk, where we could jump off and snorkel. I was now transported to a completely different version of 'paradise'. It has been years since I have snorkeled but I was surprised to find it was much like riding a bike - I hadn't forgotten too much...I am always in awe of the abundance of life found in the ocean. My knowledge of fish is frightening so please forgive me for some of these descriptions...but you know me ;-) I saw angelfish, swordfish, clown fish, crabs, sea amenities, sea urchins, lovely colorful coral, parrot fish, little yellow stripeys (there're
those descriptions;-), green stripeys and blue stripeys. There was also a nearby cave we could go into that is famous amongst rock climbers who go to the centre of the cave where there is a small opening that they climb up. I had to laugh, most of you know, I'm a pretty expressive person and I battle to see something attractive without smiling and the first couple of fish I saw, I couldn't help but smile which made water pour in my mask, It was quiet funny - I told you I was rusty...the other thing that was funny was that Annie and I were swimming round together when I happened to hear her burst into a fit of laughter, I came up to hear the joke and she said I had swum past her and smacked her right across the face, so her mask was completely dislodged - the funniest part was I didn't feel a thing... I don't think the nearby fishermen appreciated us roaring with laughter near all their fish...haha...

The second island we went to was Chicken Island (the one we'd passed before) where we had lunch which was yummy soup and chicken fried rice. Shortly after lunch, we moved on to Pranang Island which was embraced by a cave riddled with stalactites and a calm pool formed by the cave in the corner. We went to the cave to hear the 'story of the island', we were told that you can make a wish at that cave because over 400 years ago when the island belonged solely to the local people of Thailand, a queen came there because she could not fall pregnant and she made a wish there to have a baby and she then fell pregnant, when the princess (the baby) was fully grown she was never happy - at this point my guides voice got lost in the cave - next thing I picked up was that she came back there many years later and she was buried there or something. It has now become a shrine and people leave gifts when their wishes have been granted. When I first went there, I remember looking at the rater promiscuous looking sculptures and thinking, no...surely they wouldn't have such a bizarre thing to worship, but sure enough, due to the origin of the wishes being about fertility, the sculptures were in fact, the
male organ - it wasn't pretty...anyway - I suppose it's a touristy thing - I was far more concerned about the little kids that had joined us on the tour but hopefully these graphic sculptures were not as clear to them. We spent the next hour on that beach and by now the sun was searing. I nearly finished my entire bottle of sun cream in that day.

The last island we went to was called Poda island, again, picture postcard stuff...just couldn't get enough of it. There are monkeys on this island but they asked us not to get too close to them as the day before a monkey had hopped on a girl's shoulder and bit her ear!

We were finished by the time we got back, so we went straight to dinner and then headed to the beach to watch the sunset...it was picture perfect. The tide sucks right back and the locals head out to collect something - I assume its muscles or some other seafood and them, together with the mountains and islands and the crimson sunset makes a stunning view. We bumped into a British guy who runs a guesthouse and he invited us over to a bunch of friends of his - some were staying at his guesthouse, others were locals.

On Monday, we slept in and then went for a delicious breakfast and just about rolled onto the nearby beach. The weather was perfect, not a breath of wind and the waves literally creep onto the shore - there are no waves - the sea is so still it is like a lake. So we spent the day on the beach and then headed back to the hotel to be collected for our luxurious trip home. We were lucky enough to find 'our spot' on the boat again and we lay looking up at the clouds after a really good get away.

I realised that when I came to Phuket, I found myself not convinced and I couldn't figure out why. When I was looking at the scenery around me, on the first day in Krabi, it suddenly dawned on me that this was what I was expecting when I thought I was coming to live in Thailand - lush
bush, aqua-marine waters, long tail boats, lazy lifestyle and friendly people. If I was not convinced by Phuket as Thailand, I am selling Krabi as Thailand...this exquisiteness can simply not be described in words and the pictures simply do not do it justice. Take it from me - every single one of you who have not been to Thailand HAVE to do it... It is not expensive once you are here - I was on a tight budget when I came and we didn't hold back once we saw how reasonable everything was. It is charming; the tourists have been very quiet for high season this year if you don't like the crowds. The tour that we did included the snorkeling gear, lunch, drinking
water, fresh fruits and visiting the four islands and cost less than the ferry ride over there. It's ridiculous!

Until next time, enjoy the Christmas buzz - wishing you all a good one and a wonderful 2009!

A Day in Malaysia

2008-12-18T16:44:00.004+02:00

On Sunday evening I was collected at 10:30pm sharp, believe it or
not…I think that is the only thing that has happened on time, besides
school, since I've been here. I was told to wait outside the 'colour'
shop which translates into waiting outside the paint shop, which I
duly did. While I was watching the number on motorbikes with Thais
passing by diminish by the minute, I was keeping my eyes open for
potential 'versions' of buses wondering what my ride would be like.
To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to this trip. I had to
miss two days of school for it and like the nerdy teacher I've become,
all I cared about was that 'my kids' had to write a maths test on
Monday that they weren't ready for and I had a lot of work we needed
to get through this week because of loosing a day in the week later.
I eyed the 'potential' modes of transport suspiciously, I spotted a
truck that reminded me of what we called the school 'Cattle
truck' turn into the road to my hotel and my heart sank, "Oh no," I
thought, "Please don't let that be my bus to Malaysia!" Les than four
minutes later, I got a call from someone who was waiting at my hotel to take me to Malaysia. I was very relieved to find that my
bus wasn't a cattle truck but a good, strong 'sprinter, I took the
second-to-last seat which came complete with a blankie on it for my
warmth, ironic in Thailand I know, but these Thais really do know how
to blast their air-cons! I snuggled under it and we began our journey
with me not having the faintest idea how long it was going to take us.
We reached Big C – our local and cheapest shopping centre to pick up
our final passenger. This man, in his over sized yellow raincoat, said
goodbye to his Thai girlfriend and climbed onto the bus and into the
seat next to me saying, "Watch out – I'm a snorer!" It turns out, Dan
is a photographer from Chicago who came to Thailand four years ago for
a change of scenery and has been "maybe going back" all this time. He
has his own photography company here and has built up a good client base. With our mutual interest in architecture and photography, we got on incredibly well.

At about 1:30pm, we were told to shut up so the passengers could
sleep, which I was more than happy to comply with and fell straight
asleep. The drive was as can be expected – sore bums, legs and backs
and we had a break every two and a half hours. So my scenery was – a
garage, gross Muslim style filthy toilets and, of course, a 7 eleven
garage shop, which I'd sleepwalk around twice to get feeling in my
legs again. At around 5:30am (Monday) we reached the
Thailand/Malaysia Border where we drowsily submitted our passports and
filled in the necessary forms. Everyone handed in their two passport
photos and mine had been taken on two separate occasions and this was
unacceptable, despite the fact that the lady organising the trip had
assured me it wouldn't be a problem. Shortly after the border, the
bus driver pulled over and told me where to get my photos done with
comments flying round the bus, mainly from Dan, like "Ah! There's
always one, hey!" So I went into one of those photo booths commonly
found in America for those 'just for fun' kind of photos and this
passport photo place has made it into a 'do-it-yourself' passport
photo booth. You sit in the booth and press the button when you are
ready, smile for each photo and get them printed a few minutes later.
The guy in front of me had pictures that shocked the living daylights
out of the Malaysians working in the office. "Ah!!!" they said when
they saw the images of him pulling tongues, squinting his eyes etc…
"AAaaaayyyyy!" they said, this was supposed to mean "What the hell is
this?" To which this guy replied,
"What? No one told me my passport photos had to be professional
photos!" I tell you, I feel for these Malaysians and Thais with the
morons they have to deal with regardless of their limited English.

Soon after this, we stopped for breakfast at an Asian Roadhouse. I
had noodles, spiced vegetable rice, a cold fried EXTREMELY oily egg, a
slice of cucumber and a bottle of water. It was very good food after
a long journey, which, by the way was ten hours thus far and not over
yet – all in all, travelling time was twelve hours plus our time at
the embassy.

Something I didn't know was that Penang is an island. There is a very large port in Malaysia and the bridge's glorious
aesthetics are still in the process of being mounted. Trees line the
roads and road signs are written in English and appear far less
comical than Thailand's so-called English signs. It certainly seems
more geared towards Westerners, however, there is not much discretion,
for example I saw a 'School for the spastic' and thought that was
pretty hectic. We also passed a church with it's neighbouring
building displaying an over sized Swastika symbol overhead. This was
a little shocking to say the least but I later learned that the 'legs'
point in the opposite direction to the Swastika symbol and it is the
sign for a religion here or something…pretty weird…

Penang itself is an exquisite blend of culture in terms of people,
their influences and architecture and I therefore forgot all my
tiredness and got lost in my afternoon discovering and photographing
any building that caught my eye. The main cultures on the island are Chinese,
Balinese, Indian and Portuguese. The architecture is very old school
but was done 100% according to their cultural building regulations –
as if they were building back home. So you have these very strong
influences coming through however, they do not clash with one another
which really surprised me. I came across the Penang Museum and learnt
of the people's history and traditions. Penang's cultural influences
come from three basic groups. The Chinese, the Malays and the
Balinese. For the girls, I saw traditional dowries, wedding gowns and
crockery. For the boys, the most awesome 'Ninja' swords. I also saw
an archway decoration from a Chinese home that would traditionally be
in the entrance hall. The entrance hall of the Chinese homes is an
open display of wealth. This is where the visitors wait for the
family when they visit (including your potential son-in-law's parents
one day) so it would hold all the best furniture to impress the
visitors and potential suitors. This archway was overwhelming – it
measured over 6 meters in length and at least 4 meters in height.
Marriage, for the Chinese was a way to expand your business network.
The Chinese group as a culture was rather small in Malaysia initially
so the wealthy Chinese preferred to intermarry to keep the wealth
amongst the wealth of their cultural group. Of course you read all
this and it all seems to make 'history text book' sense and then you
see the old faded photographs of the wedding ceremonies – these brides
and grooms look about eight or nine on their wedding day – it is
frightening. However, marriage today is, hopefully very different to
what marriage meant then. Regardless – it does make me feel a little
past my sell-by date when you see an eight year old in a wedding dress
;-)

Despite this glorious history, the island has a vast amount of poverty
and homeless people. There are houses and temples that have been
deserted years ago and entire gardens have grown over, in and through
them, giving them almost completely giving them an ethereal quality,
which kept me snapping away like only I can…

The following day we were collected at around 11am Thai time, 12 noon
Malaysian time. We loaded our bags in the bus at our hotel, climbed
into the bus and began our 12 hour trip home…just as I was settling
in, literally 5 seconds after we began driving, the driver pulled over
and said "Lunch time!" It was so funny – it felt like de ja vous or
something. We ate at an Indian restaurant – I took one look at this
food with the richest, warmest colours of an artist's palette and
thought – it all looks SO good but I doubt my stomachs going to
handle this… I am proud to say that I ate the delicious food amidst a
bunch of stuck up foreigners with equally stuck up noses and thoroughly
enjoyed it. I am beginning to feel braver and braver with my food…we
finally did get on the road shortly afterwards, collected our
passports with no issues and drove through Malaysia in daylight which
we could now enjoy. It is countryside that is easy on the eyes. At
some stage, around an hour north of the Malaysian border, we passed an
area of Thailand that had recently had extremely heavy rains. The
water had flooded across the road, through houses, shops and had
swamped the landscape. People were simply carrying on as usual. I
feel so used to seeing these sights on TV but it is quiet scary when
you are driving amidst these people…living like that.

Getting to see the odd bit of Thailand and meeting the people at good
old Seven Eleven – I finally understood why they call Thailand the
'land of smiles'. Complete strangers would beam a 'mother's love'
kind of smile to me and greet me. What a warm experience…I feel like
the local people in Phuket have just been over-exposed to unfriendly
'farang' or foreigners to be known as part of the 'land of smiles'
anymore… but it was good to see. I didn't sleep much on the way home
as the driver we had was on the opposite end of the scale from our
driver on our way up there. Roaring up people's backsides, screeching
to a halt, smashing the accelerator while passing them on blind rises
with on-coming traffic – he was a mad man and I understood why Dan had
described our first driver as "Good. He's very good. No, seriously,
he's a really good driver. We're very lucky. He's very good." Our
stop for supper was at a charming little restaurant – I have no idea
where…! It was like a little log cabin amidst a wild garden with
fairy lights…on our way there we got to choose our menu which went
something along the lines of:
Chicken fried rice
Chicken fried rice with Basil
Beef fried rice
Beef fried rice with chillies
I went with Chicken fried rice, one of my new favourite meals, mainly
because of the price, but it is made really well here. In we went
into this charming setting for our dinner which we were all ravenous
for. We sat at the table and were served a delicious ton-yung soup.
This was the same soup which I was served on my first night in Bangkok
– the one I gagged at when I tasted its very strong flavour – and
guess what – I devoured the delicious bowl – it seems my taste buds
are adjusting ;-) Then I moved on to this brightly coloured chicken
fried rice…now, there is something you should know about me, I have a great appreciation
for food, cooking and spices, herbs etc but unfortunately my taste
buds cannot always share this appreciation as they cannot handle spicy
food – they go a little mad when I put pepper in my mouth. However,
everything here is SO spicy that I am thrilled to say – my little
taste buds are being fried and evolving…the thing is, is that the food
here is SO amazing that even if it is spicy (and you have retarded
taste buds) you cannot stop eating it. So I begin devouring this very
colourful Chicken fried rice on basil when I'm thinking wow, food is
so good, I'm so hungry and my taste buds are going "%*$£ What are you
feeding me?" I begin to examine my meal carefully…Ah, yes – those
lovely colourful red and green peppers…are actually chillies. No
problem taste buds, we'll put the chillies aside – 'cause there's no
way in hell I'm stopping this awesome meal half way though… Sadly
though, my taste buds were not having it – they were still yelling
naughty words ant me and I was forced to yet again, inspect my meal to
satisfy this petulant child of mine… "Oh, ok – I see what you're on
about" Removing the garnishing chillies was not enough, there were
also finely sliced and diced chillies well mixed into my fried rice.
"Well," I said, getting slightly impatient with this whining – "You're
just going to have to deal with it. – because like I said earlier,
this food is good and I'm hungry." and those two words don't normally
go in a sentence together because when I'm hungry I don't talk, I eat…
That is how my first 'chillie meal came to be eaten. I was so proud
of myself that I had the widest grin on my face – that is until I
began to smell the after effects of the meal in the bus from one of
our fellow passengers…

Friday, 5 December was Father's day in Thailand. This is not the father's
day I am used to where we give gifts to our
dads for being special fathers to us, it is because it is the King's
birthday. Should you wish to you can treat your father to something
as well though. So if it is the King's birthday, it is therefore a
public holiday and we get the day off school. Yey!!!! We were only
required to wear our bright yellow 'King's shirt' to a function that
evening. I was still suffering some of the after-effects from a
relatively safe looking restaurant across the street from me where
a friend and I had eaten lunch and I'd ordered chicken stir fry and I
was served seafood stir fry. So…as much as I didn't want to share
that with you – I had to convey how much I did NOT want to be at this
event one way or another…forgive me. So my mood was pessimistic on
the evening of the 5th, always keeping my eye out for the nearest
bathroom – which I really did not want to have to discover. The event
took place at Sa ha hin, in an open
arena. We were the only group of farangs at this event, just about
everybody else was Thai and we looked like a sea of marigolds in our
king shirt's. We wondered around before things got started (as it
always seems to happen in Thailand). There is a nearby pond which had
a giant sea serpent with lotus flowers made out of neon coloured
fabric and wire – which looked very festive from a distance. The
actual stage had an over sized picture of the king, the Thai and King's
flag and it was garnished in gold accents, marigold flowers, incense,
candles and spirit houses. It was lovely to look at…for the first
hour. Then I began to get over this whole event. My body was weak
and we were standing the whole time, doing nothing in particular. I
only understood every 400th word – no jokes, and I think I only
understood it because it was the name of my school or a greeting.
When the thanks were finally over and some random people had gone up
on stage to do whatever they were doing up there, we sang the King's
song. Some of us had bought candles from locals, which are small,
colourful candles, held in a cup with a marigold or frangie pangie at
the base, it looks very festive and beautiful. So at this point, the
candles are lit and the lights put out. The only light was shining on
the king's picture and coming from our candles – the golden light that
surrounded the event was breathtaking. My mood lifted instantly. The
candles were then blown out and the fireworks began – What a show!
So it felt so worth being there in the end…

Thai-ing up loose ends

2008-11-30T13:34:00.010+02:00

Life never seems to mind who we are. However, there is always a consequence for our actions... a prime example of this is someone - like me - who starts a blog with the best intentions of writing regularly about her messy life and thrives on the feedback she gets but... (here's life's little payback) when she becomes bad about writing regularly, life subtly says "I told you so" by getting her utterly confused as to where to start when she does eventually sit down to write... that's where I'm at now.

Right, so last I wrote I was jetting off to Thailand quiet soon. I am now here and have been for, I believe just over two months. It has been incredibly challenging due to various circumstances I don't wish to go into but at the same time the natural beauty that surrounds you is nothing short of breathtaking. During the very adverse times I was experiencing, I foolishly reached out to my ex. I cried for him every night and felt like I had made a huge mistake by leaving for such a long time. He was his usual self, sending me a total of two messages since I've been here. He has been better with his emails but nothing to put him out. On the other hand, there is Dave, the guy I broke up with (pretty much 'cause I'm still in love with my ex - but didn't say that to him) Dave - probably every other girl's dream guy, who treated me so amazingly but someone who I simply loved because I was so desperate to be appreciated and needed someone so to badly help me heal. He did this, he helped me re-build my self-confidence. That job has by no means been completed but it is getting there. Having broken up with him, when he fell in love so quickly, has left me wanting to avoid relationships at all costs. I cannot do it. I have decided I absolutely SUCK at breaking up with people. I lose it completely, I sob my eyes out and I'm a wreck for at least a week afterwards, in Tristan's case (big relationship) I'm still not over it and all that happened, when...? April or May I think.

So....Tristan and I have been messaging pretty regularly and have basically admitted to each other that we are missing each other like hell, battling each day out and still don't feel any different from the day we broke up, which pretty much is:
Tristan: He loves me, somethings not right and he doesn't want to break up.
Me: I love him, I wouldn't put up with being treated the way he treated and spoke to me anymore, I'm still in love with him, I'm crazy about him but I want to break up - I have to if I have any self-respect.
And I did have to. The relationship was affecting everything from my spirit, my health and my choices. I have improved vastly in these areas since the break up and I am so proud of myself...pretty much for not committing suicide over this whole thing because.......well, lets be honest, it's been such a shit time and SO bloody tough.

That out the way (bit of background) I finally got everything sorted that was way out of place when I first arrived and I began my English teaching career to Thai children. The short experience I've had so far has been amazing. The thing I've found most amusing is the names of the kids, they get English nick-names and they are really named after the strangest nouns, feelings and even animals. Unfortunately I'm working at a wealthy school (though not in terms of their payment to the teachers!) so the kids aren't overly grateful for their education like I was told to expect and they are there for a full working day, which makes for tired little children who really cannot concentrate for so long. Despite this, I have started to bond with them and am already so involved in all of their lives. I have loved the teaching, it has always been like a 'backup' career for me as it is something that I think comes naturally to me due to me being raised by 'teacher parents' or my love for children, or a combination of this, I'm not sure.

The hardest thing has been making friends, I think it's a good thing, but I realised once I got here that everyone who comes to Thailand has come here with someone - be it a boyfriend, friend, sister/brother or at least met someone here at the airport and moved in with them for the first few months...and here's me COMPLETELY going it alone...but again - I'm proud of myself because I can now say I've done it....without any help - except of course the support I've had from God, which has without a doubt, got me through this all. My point for raising this is that before I came here and had to break Dave's heart (after breaking Tristan's heart and having him constantly remind me of it) is that I decided to be single...I was single for a sum total of about a month and a half between Tristan and Dave and Tristan and I were together for 7 years so I really have not had all that much time to myself, to discover myself or even get to know myself. So this was my time to be single, however I'm not really good at it (as you can see from my time frames listed above!) I crave guy's attention and anything I get, I live off. I think this has a lot to do with my Dad running all over with other women, I quickly learnt (in a very childish manner, I'll put it as:) any attention I could get from him, I had to make that last for the times he was too busy to give me his time. So that's how I've landed here. Someone (a lovely new friend I have in Thailand) said to me when I was giving her a bit of my background, "Wow, you've got a lot of men in your life." I'd never thought of me being like that and I don't particularly like it, but she has a point. Tristan is still a big part of me, we message around 3 or 4 times a week for a few hours, Dave calls or emails at least once a week (and he's coming over to visit!!!! Another story there but when like I said, he fell in love and thought this was the real deal....I wasn't kidding!) I've got another 'friend' who I believe is interested but hasn't said as much (he has a girlfriend who up until a few months ago he was planning on proposing to but now he's changed his mind, broken up with her and since gotten back together) but he wants to come here and work near me for a couple of months. Then of course there is that guy I have a crush on and am infatuated with which I was sure was completely one sided who was texting me for a couple of hours the other day while his girlfriend was out....look at that list - I sound like such a slut! Thank goodness I've only been with two of them but come on, it is not normal for one girl to have this many guys in her life...talk about issues.

My worst days are when I decide to have a chilled day at home, these tend to be so miserable and depressing because I have to face the loneliness and acknowledge to myself that without the hustle and bustle surrounding my work, I am still struggling and miss Tristan with everything I have, the pain is raw and I miss him with every fibre of my being when I do finally face up to it. I love him so intensely and I hate him for letting things get to this. He is the boy who rules my heart. I was looking at photos last night and just looking at him, it felt so unnatural not to be with him and not to be his. I hate him so much for not making an effort to keep me or let me know how he feels. I hate him for not fighting for me, for what he said to me and how he treated me and for loving me but not showing me or treating me how he should. We had everything and I hate him because we don't have that anymore. I know I shouldn't blame him but these are quiet simply my feelings, raw and exposed. I hate myself for blaming and hating him but at the core of all of this is my love for him - he was my first love and our love conquered so much and cost me so much but I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from it. To be honest, I don't even know if I want to...

Why do fools fall in love...?

2008-10-06T14:14:00.003+02:00

I'm leaving really soon so thought I'd finally have this cup of coffee with Tristan, my serious relationship ex...We landed up having coffee for 5 hours...it was really good. We've only seen each other once briefly since the breakup and the coffee went smoother than I could have imagined. We chatted through things and it was really hard to hear a lot of it but things needed to be said. I think the hardest thing is hearing him talk about other girls. He's hardly been with anyone and was horrified when he heard the odd person I'd been with, he said, "how many guys have you been with?" Shame, I think it's normally the guy who goes wild after a breakup and he thinks its the other way around. He also said, "I hope you aren't going home with all these guys" and I felt like telling him that he was actually insulting me, it's like he doesn't know me at all. Anyway, the rest of the coffee went well, occasionally we subtly tuned each other. He asked if I'd cheated on Dave and I said no, so he said, "Wow, he got off lucky hey". 'Cause I cheated on Tristan which is something I've always said I'd never ever do - but that's another whole long story. Things are still hurting but we left on a really good note... actually too good. We landed up having a good night kiss and it's amazing how good it feels when you've wanted it for so long...how right it feels, Its a bit of a mindf*%k.

Major changes

2008-10-04T12:57:00.003+02:00

I am so ashamed at having not written in so long. My apologies, however, I think you should know there have been some MAJOR changes in my life. Uh, OK - since I last wrote, I've been retrenched - which is good - I was planning on travelling to the States but my visa was denied. I was so traumatised by this but its since then that I've realised it obviously wasn't the plan for me. I've broken up with the divine, perfect guy I was going out with - Dave because I've decided I'm actually not in a place where I can be in another relationship right now and I'm desperate to travel and I really don't think that after being together for a month or two we can now launch into a long-distance relationship for a year. He's really hurting. He didn't want it at all but he was amazing about it. He was far more understanding about my decision than my ex. He didn't fight me at all on it, which was weird.

Anyway - I've got a job in Thailand and I've got a visa (at last) I leave very soon and am so excited for this new adventure in my life. Anyways, I thought I would have a farewell get-together for all my friends, family etc to say cheers and I now invited both my exes. Now before you shoot me down for doing something that is simply 'not done ever', give me a little credit...I know these guys really well. I was sure neither of them would come... I had to invite them cause I really wanted to say good bye so I couldn't not invite them and I couldn't choose one...Their reasons for not coming were: (Dave) "It would be awkward" and (ex) "It would be wrong". Please. Get a backbone! So, I had a lovely get-together with family, friends and a few randoms that just rocked up and really enjoyed my night.

So that's a quick catchup from me and in hopefully my next post will be from Thailand... mmm. In closing, I'll leave you with a question...I have a crush - it's a guy I am sure hasn't noticed me in that way as yet and we're related by marriage (sounds dodgy, I know but if you saw this guy - you'd understand). He is so different from any guy I've ever been with. He's outgoing, confident, fun, adventurous and like I said, so different. He also has a girlfriend - the first girl since I've known him (about four years) that he's fallen in love with. Obviously, I haven't done anything as I'm very opposed to cheating etc. But what do you do in this situation when ignoring it just makes it nag some more....? I'd love to hear your takes on it... Until next time, have an awesome day x

Since I've been Gone....

2008-08-07T09:47:00.001+02:00

Right, so I promised myself the other day that I had to write another post before a month since my last one (shocking! I know) so here we are. Right, since the last post, if I thought I was in love, I know I am now, but I often feel like there's something missing – I cant’ put my finger on it. In the meantime let me explain what I’ve been up to….

I suddenly realized about three weeks ago how important Dave has become in my life. I had a bad day at work and wanted to get Dave’s opinion on something (and just wanted to talk to him) and a friend of his answered – I laughed and said, “oh dear, did u guys have a fine’s evening after the game tonight?” thinking he was a bit drunk as he’d just played his last game and she said, “No, I’m in the Ambulance with him.” I thought she was joking. She explained that he’d taken a bad knock during the game and had been concussed for 5 minutes and convulsed. They were in the ambulance taking his blood pressure etc and on the way to the Hospital. I broke down, I cried and cried and cried and joltingly realized how much he’d come to mean to me in this short space of time. I couldn’t do anything for the rest of the night. I was restless and considering driving down to see him but I held out. I eventually decided to go down at about 11pm. Some other people were there too but Dave was strapped in a neck brace still in casualty, he was quiet pale and still dirty with grazes and grass everywhere, looking so uncomfortable. Because there wasn’t a bed available in that city, he then had to be transferred by ambulance to another Hospital into high care. We eventually left him quiet settled when we were kicked out at about 2:30am. I was back at the hospital at 7am to see what the neurosurgeon had to say when he’d seen him at 6/6:30 AM but the x-rays and reports had not been transferred when Dave had come across and so, he couldn’t make a call. I tried to follow this up but was a case of asking the nurse what she suggest I do to get these documents across here asap (bearing in mind it’s just an email that has to be sent) and she told me to speak to the ‘head’ nurse, who told me to go to reception. Reception told me to go to their x-ray department who explained that they were completely separate from the original hospital’s x-ray department – You get the picture…it’s a nightmare. I eventually went and fetched the hard copy myself (a 45min round trip drive is quicker than sending an email????!!!!) I arrived back at 9:30 with clean clothes for Dave and the hard copy of x-rays. Unfortunately, the reports on the x-rays weren’t ready and I was promised that those would be faxed through when they were. Dave seemed a little better at this stage and later went for a walk around. Visiting hours were from 11 – 11:30 because High Care is situated in ICU, so I hung around until then and visited him for that time, which was the first time I got to see him properly. When I came back at 11, he thanked me for all I’d done, driving down etc, said I shouldn’t have but I made his night. At this point he was looking like a puppy in a cage – he seemed 100% and dying to get out. I left around lunch time yesterday to come back to work thinking he’d be released that afternoon. He only saw the neurosurgeon at about 7:30pm on the second night and was fed up when he was told he had to stay the night again and possibly the next. Poor sausage was there for another 2 nights.

He’s doing well, which is the main thing. This is apparently standard for someone who has had convulsions after a concussion. He had his drip taken out on the second day and was moved to a general ward. He came out of hospital on his third morning and went back to work from midday to the afternoon.

Now, as you know, I had a surprise coming my way from Dave for my birthday, however I didn’t think it was going to happen because of what had happened to him that week but he insisted it was still on. I could not wait… I have never had a surprise birthday and Dave planned this for me about 3 weeks before my birthday (when we’d barely started going out!) So I have to share it with you…

On Friday afternoon I headed down to him and I was dying to see him after his incident earlier in the week and he was only discharged from hospital that morning. He was a little on edge but I think he’d just wanted things to be a little more organized than they were. He’d bought wine, snacks etc for beforehand and we caught up with each other’s weeks. He took me to an upmarket restaurant that I just love, we had a quaint table right near the feature of the restaurant and the Waiter who sat us down announced that once you’ve sat at this table as a couple, you’ll never be apart again…a little corny I know, but it was sweet. Once we’d settled, our conversation led us towards the past weeks events. I explained to him that I’d completely lost it after I’d heard he was in an ambulance. I fell apart and cried my eyes out. I could not believe that this guy who I’d known for such a short time could bear so much on me and my life and how much I’ve come to care for him. I realized all of this in the space of a few seconds, which is why I did the most irrational act of driving down at stupid-o’clock. It was at this point that I expected him to laugh and sit back with an expression of “where’s the nearest door? This chick is mad”. Instead that he told me that although he’d told his friend (whom I was in touch with on the night of the accident) that I must go home and not come down that evening, yet when I walked into the emergency room, he was immediately relieved. I was so flattered by this, as he had one of his closest friends, a colleague and his brother around the bed. He said he was so happy to see me the next morning (Wednesday) and twice more after he thought I’d left. It really meant a lot to him and his words meant so much to me. Darling Dave then impulsively lent across the table after I’d spilt my feelings and promptly knocked over his glass! This of course gave me the absolute giggles and transported the evening atmosphere from heavy to light once more.

On Saturday, Dave woke me up with coffee in bed (my favourite) and he sent me on a treasure hunt for my birthday present. Bearing in mind that he’s taken me out for supper the night before and only known me for a little over a month, he bought me speakers and a front-loader for my music-less car!!!!! He said I stared at it for about a minute before turning to look at him. I was gob smacked to say the least! I cannot believe the effort and energy and everything that he puts into me! As if this wasn’t enough, he made me flapjacks for breakfast! I felt so spoilt! After this, we headed for the Coast for a friend of mine’s birthday where we stayed at a backpackers. We had the most divine time chilling after a very stressful week and spent most of the time at the beach. It was the most wonderful birthday that I’ve had in quiet some time. I thanked him once more as I was leaving, for everything he’d done for me over the weekend and for spoiling me and his response was, “You deserve it.”

What I absolutely love about him is that he can be going through the busiest time at work (I’m talking working Sundays, evenings and early mornings) and he’ll drop me an email just to say “Before my day starts to spin and I get lost in it! I just want to say you’re on my mind and can’t wait to see you again.” My feelings for this soft little soul are growing daily and I just wanted to share that with you because you know where I’ve been and I wish I knew where I was going…!

The Weekend

2008-07-14T07:51:00.008+02:00

It was my ex's and my anniversary this weekend - that was a tough one. Apart from that on Thursday evening my family and friends went to dinner and a show at a Supper Theatre to celebrate my birthday. I had the most wonderful evening and killed myself laughing right the way through the show. Afterwards, the young 'uns went on the town but not much was open so we landed up going to the new boyfriend's place and chilled, should we give him a name...? I think yes, lets call him David. Friday evening Dave came to my house, some 100 km from his place to house sit with me. Saturday he had a rugby game which I watched and really enjoyed and yesterday we went to the beach in the morning and back up to my place in the afternoon and chilled with my parents, brother and his girlfriend. I decided to have this celebration early because the show finished yesterday and Dave asked if he could take me out for my birthday. I cannot believe it. For so long I hinted to my ex for some kind of a surprise, I even threw him a couple of surprise parties to show him how much fun they were. Even if he'd just made a reservation for us for a celebration would have been enough but a few years ago I gave up. Here is this boy who I have known for probably two months and he is so excited to give me this 'surprise' on Friday night. So I'm so amped and dying to know where we're going.

I'll try and describe him as best I can. I wouldn't say he's amazingly good looking but he has quirks that I'm starting to love about him and that I find incredibly endearing. He plays rugby socially, is very musical and I think he's a romantic at heart. He's an absolute Gentleman. Holds doors open, pours drinks, keeps them topped up etc etc. At the end of last week, I was beginning to worry that I was indulging too much, I felt like he was giving and giving and giving and I was only taking. I chatted to him about this and explained that I felt like I was indulging in his attention and affections etc. He said he hadn't' seen that at all, he said he hadn't given it a second thought and then pointed out that I've been driving up and down to his place nearly every weekend and driving up early on Monday mornings for work and he felt that my commitment was more that there, so that made me feel a whole lot better.

He's a good guy and I think he really likes me. I'm falling for him so hard and fast, its actually ridiculous. The funniest part of all of this is that my parents are crazy about him too! My Step dad says Dave adores me in the way that he always said my ex should have. My mum says she hasn't really seen it yet but she's blown away by his behavior in the stories I tell her. Like when Dave brought me home last night, his second trip to my house that weekend, my mum chuckled and said, "Wow, when I think of how we had to fetch and carry you from your ex's..." so I've got the thumbs up from both of them, which is awesome.

Another slightly amusing thing is, we went for an ice cream yesterday and when we found a table, Dave pulled a chair out and I started sitting down on another chair and he gestured to the chair he'd pulled out for me to sit at and I suddenly realized it was for me and apologized for sitting somewhere else - it must have looked so rude and when I apologized and said I hadn't realized it was for me, he said, "You're also not used to that being done for you." That's truer than he knows! But I also think a couple of things have happened like that that I haven't even realized simply because, I'm not used to it and I think he's realizing more and more about my past relationship as time goes on.

When we started getting semi-serious but not going out yet, I asked him what he liked about me and he said he thought I had the most awesome sense of humour, I was witty, quick, gentle, compassionate blah blah blah. And I remember thinking, some people have told me I'm pretty...I don't know if you've noticed anything... But you know what I've realized? I've always placed SO much importance on it because of the emphasis my dad and my ex have always placed on that. I have ALWAYS wanted to be with someone that loves me for me. My personality needs to be what they love about me because my looks will go - and that is something that always worried me about being with my ex, would he still love me after my youth? Very deep, I know, but I really am feeling good about the situation. Dave has since told me that I'm beautiful and I'm really glad that things have happened in that order. Ah, I cannot tell you how good he is to me. I went to his house this weekend and didn't lift a finger. He cooks, washes, helps out when I do anything. If I try and help him cook, he sits me down and pours me a glass of wine. VERY hard to get used to but can you believe it, I think I'm falling in love with him.... I cannot wait for Friday night...

Happiness...through a mask

2008-07-10T16:43:00.002+02:00

From my previous post, “Things start taking a dive” there is a big gap in my memory of this affair, however that’s not to say that nothing was going on. In this time, many people in the community found out about the affair just because Dad and Sam became so brash about meeting in public or ‘bumping in to one another’ at functions and always fell back onto their excuse of, “…but we’re just friends…”. How original…. Over this time my mum explains this bazaar routine as something along these lines: “I would notice things were changing, clothes, hair or just his behavior and I’d say to my friends, he’s seeing her again. My friends responded that I had now become completely paranoid and I needed to get a grip – it’s all over now. I’d ask my husband…are you seeing Sam again? He would flip, saying I had a psychological problem, I was sick in the head. What was wrong with me? I would settle down, knowing I have to deal with a psychological illness of dreaming up affairs between my husband and another woman and a few months down the line, he’d come to me, apologising profusely, saying that he and Sam had been seeing each other, he was so sorry but it was all over now – forever. Then everything would be dandy for a year or two then Sam would get bored in her marriage, I’d notice a change in my husband and the cycle would start all over again.”

You’re probably cursing my mum right now, thinking what a stupid person she must be, however that is not the case at all. My mother is one of those remarkable people that has the ability to see the best of every situation. She trusts and loves people and believes that everyone puts in their best efforts, speaks the truth and lives honestly; you can’t blame someone for thinking like that when they’ve lived their whole life like that. So pretty much anyone would be able to pull the wool over my mother’s eyes with this kind of attitude, however, she’s also very intelligent so she didn’t just aimlessly believe my dad over and over without thinking it through. You see, Dad and Sam are also incredibly good liars and manipulators; in fact they’re phenomenally good at it. I believe they lie to the point where they believe the point where they completely believe the stories themselves. One of my favorite examples of the manipulation and crap that Sam gave to my mum was one day (one of the many) that the most recent affair had just come out and she rushed over to our home, a common occurrence because my mum was such a good friend of hers (….?????????!!!!!!!!!) and over tea, calmly explained to my mum that she had to realize that the affair was a lot harder for her to deal with than for my mum to deal with. My mum was blown away by this and asked, “Really? Why is that?” To which Sam replied,
“Because I’m a much stronger Christian than you are.” I love it! It’s an absolutely classic example of how she operates. Self-centered and selfish down to the core. She never ceased to amaze any of us with her comments and her actions…

Things start taking a Dive...

2008-07-09T09:37:00.000+02:00

Now, because I am not sure what point the incident happened with my father, I cannot tell you when the next installment was only that I still had not yet started school. My parents started a diving course. This caused great excitement for my brother and me as we were introduced to the world of wetsuits, goggles, snorkels and air tanks. There was always a very social atmosphere afterwards where we’d all go to a nearby pub for a beer and the kids could play catchers or hide and seek outside. I was very excited but also cautious about the fact that Sam was doing this course as well. In diving, one has a ‘buddy system’ where you pair up with someone and you have to make sure that they are alright at all times thereby no one can get left behind or get into trouble without being noticed. I was very disturbed to learn that Dad and Sam were ‘buddies’ and I had visions of them making out underwater (5 year old logic here ;-)) – Ah, hated it – it haunted me.

Quiet some time later, once the relevant training had been done, all the divers and their families went up the coast to a resort where the diving is very good, to have a diving holiday. The beach was great, the kids were great, but I could not relax because I knew the two of them were going off on frequent occasions to “dive”. It was on this holiday that my Dad announced to my Mum that he was leaving her for Sam and that she and the children were going to move to the city. My mum has always said that it is so strange what one worries about in situations like this. She said this holiday was in the December before I started “big” school. That was her only focus, she said to my dad, “How could you do this? How could you do this now, to your daughter? She is so excited about starting ‘big school’, going into Grade one and having the same teacher that you had in Grade one at the same school that you went to? How could you possibly tell her she’s going to change schools a month before she is due to go?” She always says now what a huge thing this was for her, it was her first child going to school and she placed a lot of importance on it.

My brother and I knew none of this was going on, until we were told that the whole family was having an afternoon sleep – weird. Alarm bells were going off for me because this was very unusual. I could not sleep so I pretended to and listened to my parents whispering, obviously trying to sort things out but I could not make out what they were saying. When they thought we were both asleep they left to go and discuss probably what I’ve just mentioned in the above paragraph.

That evening we were lucky enough to go on a night drive on the beach to watch Leather-back turtles lay eggs. However my mum was crying quietly during the trip. This was the first times and one of the few times I would see her unhappiness as a result of my father. She did not let on what was going on but I knew it was connected with Dad and Sam.

After all of this Dad and Sam ‘nobly’ went to talk things through on the beach and came back to tell their relevant spouses that they were not going to leave them but they had some ‘rules’ about coming back into the marriages. I obviously don’t know what they are but I think they went something along the lines that they could give each other birthday and Christmas presents, they could call and visit each other etc. So that was how things continued between the four adults for quiet some time. Dad and Sam had their spouses and each other, pretty much, whenever they wanted. This, however, was not enough for them…

FRUSTRATED

2008-07-08T11:09:00.000+02:00

Ah! I could kill myself sometimes, I’ve been going through a bit of a low patch with the Ex – Factor and missing him like hell. It’s driving me a little mad, to be honest. I know I was unhappy, I know I was controlled, I know I couldn’t be myself but at the same time, it was very real love and the connection we had was extremely close. He was my best friend. I am feeling very confused over this whole thing and because it was such a long relationship that I really don’t have that much experience in the whole break up thing. This is the guy I thought I was going to marry. All I want to do is call him and see how he’s doing and get that contact back. I miss what we had so much and it feels really weird because as soon as I got out that relationship, the feeling I had was one of overwhelming relief and freedom. I felt I had mourned the relationship in the last year (at least) that we were together. I knew I could expect sadness and to miss him and I was surprised when I didn’t. He took the whole thing really badly and has been struggling with it. At first he wouldn’t stop calling, emailing, visiting my mother etc and I put a stop to that because I didn’t feel it was helping either of us. Maybe it took a pace change, settling back into life etc for me to feel it. I don’t know. All I know is I want that friendship back. Mmmm what to do…. To call or not to call…? Help me out here please…

Going Back Wards

2008-07-07T10:03:00.000+02:00

I think you readers will all get a much better idea of where I'm coming from if i give you a bit of history on myself and my family. Trust me - this is going to be a whole lot more interesting than it sounds. I will start as far back as I can remember and give it to you in installments and if i have anything exciting to say about my life now, I'll throw it in at the end. Prepare to be amused:

I grew up on a farm. My parents built our house and our garden from absolutely nothing while I was a year old and my mother was pregnant. Our house was nothing amazing because my parents weren't well off and they did everything they could to save money, including doing their own tiling (bearing in mind, my mother was pregnant). Once they had completed the job, they were very satisfied with their two bed roomed house complete with two bathrooms, kitchen, office and lounge. My brother was then born and we grew up in the house that our parents had built with two dogs and a lot of love. My family loved each other and had a lot of fun together but it's amazing how one takes these things for granted when all is going well. I learnt this lesson at an age far younger than most learn it.

I am not sure of my age when this incident happened, however, I know that I had not yet begun school so I was probably about Five years old. It was a Saturday. My mum was working in the city to earn extra money for the family as things had been tight for a while. A family friend came over, lets call her Sam and her three children who were younger than me. My brother and her eldest son were great friends and so we were thrilled to have company on our weekend. We were all playing in the paddling pool outside and having a marvelous time. It suddenly occur ed to me that we didn't have any towels and with my mum not being there to bring them out for us, we were going to have a herd of little wet footprints running through the house soon. So I went inside to get the towels. Now the towels stayed in a lockable closet at the end of the passage next door to my parent's room but it also had medicine in it, so the lock was placed at the top of the door so children couldn't get in there. I knew all I had to do was go into my parent's room, grab my mum's stool for height to open the cupboard to get the towels. I opened my parent's door - which was unusual as it was never closed - and hit a flexed foot, I pushed harder, not thinking and was faced with the sight of my father and Samantha naked on the edge of my parents bed. My dad asked me what I was doing and I told him I needed to get towels. He told me to ask the maid to open the room and that I must close the door behind me.

I didn't know what I'd seen. I didn't understand it. My mum was in the process of explaining the birds and the bees to us through a book called 'Where do I come from?' but I was so confused at that age because this book said that when a HUSBAND and WIFE love each other very much, they sleep together but Samantha wasn't my mother. You've also got to understand that I was a Daddy's girl. I adored my father - he could do anything, fix anything and make me laugh till I cried. So I didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing - I felt a little weird about what I'd seen but it didn't occur to me that what he was doing was wrong until I had fully processed the book that my mum was reading us. I thought all dads did this.

Once Sam and her children had left, Dad took me aside and told me not to tell my mum what I'd seen because "we don't want to hurt Mum, do we?" Of course I didn't want to hurt my Mum, that's the last thing any five year old would want to do. So I made this promise to my dad because I adored him and in my eyes, he could do no wrong and according to my knowledge, he had done no wrong. I made that promise with ease, not knowing that it would hang over me for the rest of my life. The betrayal of my mother. For years after this, I waited for the divorce, I waited for my mum to find out. I hated seeing Sam at any events, and there were a lot of them because of us being a farming community. I watched her whenever i could to see that she wasn't making a move on my dad in front of my mum but it killed me to look at her. She was awful looking. She had stringy dyed (died) orange hair and her face was prematurely aged from too much smoking and drinking. She was one of those woman that delighted in wearing short skirts and see-through shirts and "accidentally" leaning over too far in the bar in front of married men or letting her dress ride up too high. This chick was a beaut. Rumour has it that no one is sure who the father is of her third child that she had (when she was married) because of mismatched blood types that were discovered at a later stage. She has a smile which is more like a smirk. Its the smile that I grew to hate. She wore it when she saw my dad, or when she came over to "visit" when my mum was out.

For years after that Saturday, once I had figured out that what my Dad had done was wrong, I was subconsciously torn between telling my mum the truth of what i knew was wrong and breaking my word to my Dad or keeping my word and "not hurting Mum". I always felt the desperate need to get this situation off my chest so I'd open notebooks that I had to the middle (where no one would see it) and I'd write in my armature handwriting this story (obviously in far less detail) It basically just read ...and I saw Dad and Sam NAKED having SEX. I hated writing it but it always felt better once I didn't feel like I was carrying it all alone. Then I'd go off and do something and suddenly be filled with guilt and worry that my mum might see it, so I'd rush back inside and tear the page out and rip it into unrecognisably small pieces and the weight would fall upon me again. The burden was back and I was to carry it because I didn't want to hurt Mum.

Extra, Extra, Read All About It!

2008-07-04T07:43:00.000+02:00

My new boy is organizing a surprise for me for my birthday. I'm so excited and so stoked coz all I ever wanted was for my ex to take the initiative and do something like that - just once. Even if he just phoned and made a reservation for us or something. I would hint for it or leave it open, I even threw him a couple of surprise parties so he could see how much fun they are but he never did in all our years together and here this boy is - who hasn't even been with me for a month - and he wants to do this for me. I'm blown away. In fact, very weird this, but I'd be lying if I said I was completely comfortable with the situation. The truth is that I really am not used to being treated the way he treats me. All I wanted from my ex was just a little bit of what I'm getting now and I think its because the only proper relationship I've ever known is that one with my ex and how he treated me and if I ever asked for anything he'd say my standards were too high and he was a shit boyfriend bla bla bla. So I stopped asking for change and decided to lower my standards and just be happy. Something a friend said to me (from her mum) which is something I'm trying to convey to all my friends because it's such a valuable lesson was, "Don't let anyone EVER tell you that your standards are too high. They are your standards and they are what will make you happy. Do not compromise on that."

People that aren't very close to me are starting to hear about my new boyfriend and I'm hearing things that I'm expecting everyone to say, "Sho! That was quick!" Anyways, I've decided that people have already made up their minds of what they think about me and I'm sick of bending around everyone else's standards and lives so they don't have anything to talk about. It's my life and I'm an adult and I know what I'm doing so.... a little scary but like I said: my focus now is happiness and me.

Little Lost Love

2008-07-02T14:13:00.001+02:00

Today finds me in a very strange place, I have said the last of my goodbyes with regards to the X factor but my thinking today hovers over this whole Love thing. It is a complex matter and I face my difficulty where I know that my ex and I had it – we had something that was real and apart from the emotional abuse, could have worked really well. So my choice in the matter was essentially to choose love and sacrifice my happiness or to choose happiness and sacrifice Love, knowing full well that I may never have this again. I think that is what made my decision so hard. I am beginning to miss the ex as I expected to do ages ago but I am also very happy with my new partner. The two appear to be like chalk and cheese but at the same time do have similarities. I think I may even be falling in love which has happened a lot sooner than I ever expected. I feel like a teenager all over again. Very very weird but I’m enjoying it, just feeling a little lost right now…

Accidently in Love

2008-06-26T16:30:00.000+02:00

I've met someone - didn't think it would ever happen so quickly but it has and I never thought I would be treated the way he's treating me either but it is what it is and it should be great, right? He treats me like a princess, pretty much worships me and does, well everything for me but sometimes I simply don't feel that into the whole thing. I can't be alone - I literally cannot do it. I have done it but wherever, and I mean, wherever I can I will be with someone so that I am not alone. This is so unlike me but it is something I obviously havn't experieced before coming out of a long-term relationship. I mean, look at me - I'm already involved with someone else. Its not that I'm not over the last relationship, because I have been through the mourning process for that and am almost completely over it but its the lonliness thing. Its as if I cannot do the 'alone' thing.

Its really just comfort that i'm after - knowing someone is there, not having that deathly silence surrounding you. I cannot believe that I can be with someone that is so crazy about me and good to me and still not recipricate whole-heartedly. Its the most awful feeling. Obviously coming out of a long term relationship, I am wanting something completely casual and don't want to dive straight into another long term thing and I really don't know how to do that. My problem is that I thrive on attention. Not the spotlight kind but the quiet, affectionate kind. The kind that reminds me that that someone cares and loves me - which is exactly what is happening now but I'm still not happy - I am beginning to feel so unbelievably frustrated and yet still reveling in the freedom of the lack of control from the last relationship. I realise that I am probably indulging a little to much in this new attention and affection but to be honest, I've been starved of it for far too long, so I don't think I'm out of line in enjoying it but at the same time, I don't want to hurt someone and use them because they're the last one that deserves it. And the ex, of course, hasn't stopped telling me how awful I am and how I just hurt people left right and centre but at the end of the day, I find myself asking, "Should I have stayed they would be happy in controlling me and moulding me into the person they want me to be - or should I be me - free and uncontrolled in all my glory - mistakes and all...?"

Once in a lifetime...or maybe twice

2008-06-20T10:20:00.000+02:00

Yesterday i had reason to celebrate, and that i did. I have at long last completly finished my studies and more importantly got the day off work. I was high on life for the 20 hours before the big event. It was extremely heart-felt and warm and I'm sorry to admit, i did become sentimental over everything for a moment.

I went out to lunch with my family after that. We spoke about all sorts - drank wine and ate amazing food. It was such a treat to sit back at 2pm and look at the kind and loving faces around me while i had a sip of wine and spoke crap with my family. I thought "this is the life". We're not at work, we're chilling and laughing and drinking and felt like we didn't have a care in the world. I even felt my mother relax for a bit!

After this, I went across to a lovely boys house who i've been sort of seeing and we drank delicious wine and caught up. He was always ensuring that our glasses were full, which was such a nice change from what i've always had before

My first time...

2008-06-18T13:25:00.000+02:00

Ok, so I have to admit it - this is my first blog ever. Yes, i'm a virgin blogger! If I had to introduce myself to a stranger, i'd probably say, Hi, I'm the girl thats been screwed over a few times by strangers, lovers and family and now have very close friends and family who are loyal to me and I love all but trust very few. It's pretty difficult to get past the barbed wire into my heart but I have come out of everything ok but a little screwed up. So I'd call myself quirky but fun to be around as i know what it is like to loose just about everything but also realise that there are others far worse off than me. I do have work to do which is why i'm going to sign off and say au-revoir until later...